This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.
He said, “Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.”
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, “What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”
“Oh no, nothing like that,” he said. “No, no. I got out of prison.”
I told my friend that my wife and I had a huge argument and she left for the Caribbean.
“Jamaica?” he asked.
“No,” I replied, “she went of her own accord.”
– If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
– I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.
– Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
– I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will say, “Your password is incorrect.”
– Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
– I’m great at multi-tasking–I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
– I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
– This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but
I’d never met herbivore.
– When chemists die, they barium.
Photographer to young man: “It will make a much better picture if you put your hand on your father’s shoulder.”
Hearing his wife as she sings, the husband says, “You know dear, when you sing like that I just wish you were on the radio.”
The wife smiles and replies, “Wow honey, you think I am that good?”
“No, but at least that way I can change the station or turn it off.”
An Irishman proposed to his girl friend on Saint Patrick’s Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.
On learning it wasn’t real she protested vehemently about his cheapness.
He explained that in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day, he picked her a sham rock.
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only – Smith, Jones, Baker – That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your name?”
The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is…“
A couple was shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve. The mall was packed with shoppers.
Walking through the mall the surprised wife suddenly noticed her husband was nowhere around. Very upset because they had a lot of shopping left to do, she used her cell phone to call her husband to ask him where he was.
The husband picked up and in a calm voice said, “Honey do you remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with a diamond necklace ? I told you then we couldn’t afford it, but one day I was going to buy you that necklace.”
With a pounding heart, the wife started to cry. “Yes, yes, sweetheart, I remember exactly where that jewelry store is located.”
The husband said, “Well I’m in the bar right next to it.”
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro – what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
– If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
– Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don’t care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
– Doesn’t expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
– Take my advice ? I’m not using it.
– I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
– Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.
– I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is gathering dust.
– Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.
– I’ll bet you $4,567 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.