Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes

If your name is on the building, you’re rich or famous.
If your name is on your desk, you’re middle-class.
If your name is on your shirt, you’re neither of the first two!
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What do you see when the smog lifts in Los Angeles?
U.C.L.A.
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While going through his deceased father’s things, a man finds a 25-year-old claim check for a shoe repair.
Curious, he goes to the store and hands the owner the ticket.
The owner goes to the back and then reappears. “Good news,” he begins, “they’ll be ready next Friday.”
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Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii?
Or just a-low-ha?
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A tourist was driving on a back road in Arkansas during a heavy rainstorm. He passed a cabin with a man sitting on the porch playing his fiddle.
“Why don’t you go inside on this rainy day?” the tourist asked.
“Because the roof leaks,” answered the fiddler.
“Well, then, why don’t you fix the roof?”
“Can’t fix a roof when it’s raining,” the fiddler answered.
“So, why don’t you fix the roof on a sunny day?”
“‘Cause the roof don’t leak on sunny days!” replied the fiddler.
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The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down. But it was arson.
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“Your husband really has a problem. Has he ever tried Alcoholics Anonymous?”
“I’m sure he has,” the wife nodded sadly. “That man will drink anything.”
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“So tell me,” asked the interviewer, “have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?”
“Actually, yes,” said the applicant modestly. “Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel.”
“Very impressive,” he commented, “but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours.”
“Oh, but that was during office hours,” the applicant replied.
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What gender pronouns does a chocolate bar use? Her/she.
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Junior: Mother, I can’t find my baseball mitt.
Mother: Did you look in the car?
Junior: Where in the car?
Mother: Try the glove compartment.
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A lawyer named Strange passed away. His friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.”
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would lead people to think three men were buried under the stone.
He suggested an alternative: “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.”
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would remark, “That’s Strange.”
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Good news, the Lego store has reopened.
People are lined up for blocks!
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Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.
Turns out, he only does odd jobs.
I run like the winded.
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Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii…Or just a-low-ha?
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The irony of life is that , by the time you’re old enough to know your way around you’re not going anywhere.
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Golf is a funny game, especially the way I play it.
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I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
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When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
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When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
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I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
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Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
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Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
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When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
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My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married… I didn’t want him to.

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