Funny even if you don’t play:
• Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
• Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.
• Two golfers are ready to play on the 11th tee as a funeral cortege passes by. The first player stops, doffs his cap, and bows his head as the cortege passes.
“That was a really nice thing to do,” the second golfer says. “It’s good to see there is still some respect in the world.” “Well, it’s only right,” the first golfer replies. “I was married to her for 35 years.”
• A golfer standing at a tee overlooking a river sees a couple of fishermen and says to his partner, “Look at those two idiots fishing in the rain.”
• Noting that her husband looked more haggard and disgruntled than usual after his weekly golf game, his wife asked what was wrong.
He answered, “Well, on the 4th hole, Harry had a heart attack and died. It was terrible! The entire rest of the day, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry!”
• One day a player asked his coach: “What is going wrong with my game?”
Club manager: “How did you find the greens?”
Golfer: “I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were!”
• After the 8th hole, Lou is ahead by one stroke but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. “Help me find my ball; you look over there,” he says to Nick. After five minutes, neither has had any luck. Since a lost ball carries a two-stroke penalty, Lou pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.
“I’ve found my ball!” he announces triumphantly.
Nick looks at him forlornly, “After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?”
“What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!”
“And a liar, too!” Nick says with amazement. “I’ll have you know I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!”
• “I wish I could play my normal golf game… just once.”
• Wife: You spend far too much time concentrating on golf! Do you even remember the day we got engaged?
Husband: Sure I do. It was the same day I shot even par.
My wife’s cooking is so bad the flies are taking up a collection to get the screen door fixed.
“I stand corrected,’’ said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, “Sorry, I won’t dance with a child.”
“Oh I’m sorry,” responded the underclassman, “I didn’t realize you were pregnant.”
In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her peace.
When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and said, “What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?”
Quick as a flash, the woman replied, “Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!”
What’s the difference between an actor and a burnt rodent?
One’s Chris Pratt, the other is a crisp rat.
Cop: “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire.”
Cop: “Yes, your son!”
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An impasta!
Q: What do you call something that’s easy to get into, but hard to get out of?
Q: What do you do to get a robot mad?
A: Push all of its buttons.
Q: What do you call a horse that can’t lose a race?
A: A sherbet.
Q: What do you call someone that saw an iPhone being stolen?
A: An iWitness.
Q: What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mugshot?
A: A cellfie.
Q: What do you call blackbirds that stick together?
Q: What do you call the daughter of a hamburger?
Q: What do you call a tiny mother?
A: A minimum!
Q: What do you call a policeman in bed?
A: An undercover cop.
Q: What do you call the security guards outside the Samsung factory?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
Q: What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A: A seasoned veteran.
Q: What do you call a funny mountain?
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A: A stick.
Q: What do you call a factory that manufactures products that are just OK?
A: A satisfactory.
Q: What do you call a bagel that can fly?
A: A plain bagel.
Q: What do you call a person with a briefcase in a tree?
A: Branch manager.
Q: What do you call someone who cleans the bottom of the ocean?
A: A mer-maid.
Q: What do you call something that goes up when the rain comes down?
A: An umbrella.
Q: What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
A: A URL-ologist.