Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director’s office.
“What is the meaning of this?” the director asked. ”When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you’ve ever held.”
”Well, “the young man replied, “in your job posting you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx. But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.
The doorbell rings. A man opens the door and there’s his mother-in-law on the front step.
She asks, “Can I stay here for a few days?”
The man says, “Sure you can.” And he closes the door.
Blanche: Herb, if you don’t stop snoring, I’m going to toss you out on your ear!
Herb: Does it upset you that much?
Blanche: Not just me, the entire congregation.
“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
“No idea, they just ransomware!”
One day a man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of water. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender. The bartender got angry, grabbed the man by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, “Why did you do that?”
The man said very apologetically, “I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can’t help it. It’s an illness I can’t get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?”
The bartender answered, “Haven’t you seen anyone about this problem?”
The man replied, “I never thought of that. Maybe I will.”
The bartender said, “Don’t come back until you do get help,” and the man left. About three months later the man came back to the same bar. He ordered another glass of water, drank half of it, and poured the rest on the bartender.
The bartender shouted, “I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!”
The man replied, “I did, and it worked out great! Now I don’t feel ashamed at all!”
There was a football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the elephant?”
“I did,” said the centipede.
“Who stopped the rhino?”
“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.
“And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”
“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.
“So where were you during the first half?” demanded the coach.
“Well,” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped.”
My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”
I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”
What did one skunk say to the other skunk under the church building?
“Let us spray…”
Teacher: “Okay class let’s start by sharing our dreams. What’s yours David?”
David: “My dream is to earn $20,000 a month like my dad.”
Teacher: “Wow! Your dad earns that much?”
David: “No ma’am, that’s also my dad’s dream.”
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro – what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
• I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on just one.
A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat is worse.