If you rearrange the letters of Mailmen…They get really upset.
Student: “Professor, I can’t go to class today.”
Student: “I don’t feel well.”
Professor: “Where don’t you feel well?”
Student: “In class.”
Husband: “I sure wish you could learn to make the kinda of bread my mother use to make.”
Wife: “And I wish you would learn to make the dough my father used to make.”
Mother: I think our son is going to be an astronaut.
Father: What makes you think that?
Mother: I spoke to his teacher today. She said he is taking up space.
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out two identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars.”
“Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered.
The owner replied, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.”
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
“That one costs 2,000 dollars.”
“And what does that one do?” the man asked.
The owner replied, “I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other one calls him boss!”
A couple wanted a watchdog to guard their premises at night. So they bought the largest dog that was for sale in the kennels of a nearby dealer.
Shortly afterwards the house was entered by burglars, who made away with a good haul while the dog slept. The householder went to the kennel dealer and told him about it.
“Well, what you need now,” said the dealer, “is a little dog to wake up the big dog.”
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk, I have this weird axe scent.
What is the sole purpose of a middle name?
So a child can tell when they’re really in trouble!
“I’m suffering dreadfully from insomnia. I’ve tried all sorts of remedies, but I can find nothing that will send me to sleep.”
“Why don’t your try talking to yourself?”
Boss: “Where have you been? I’ve been trying to find you all morning!”
Me: “Good employees are hard to find!”
At a local gun show two guys were bragging about their wife’s abilities.
“My wife’s a fine shot. She can hit a dollar every time.”
“That’s nothing. My wife goes through my trousers and never misses a dime.”
Did you hear about the four walruses who decided to form a rock band?
They have just completed their album and their first single is called, “I Am The Beatle.”
Arriving late for a political conference, the college student asks another student standing by the door, “How long has the candidate been talking now?”
“Half an hour.”
“And what is he talking about?”
“That I wouldn’t know, he hasn’t said.”
My wife said that my granddaughter has me wrapped around her little finger.
I said, “That’s not true. I said ‘no’ to her just yesterday.”
“What did she ask you?”
“She asked me if there was anything I wouldn’tß give her.”
There are three kinds of men in this world…
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
The rest get married and wonder what happened?
Growing up, I was really jealous of my best friend. His grandmother lived in a two story house which he went over to visit quite often.
My grandmother lived in a one story house – “The Little Engine That Could.”
• When alchemists die, they barium.
• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro – what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.