Eat the chocolate

After seeing these gems, I think we need a new headliner writer here at Mullet Central.
• Patient at Death’s Door – Doctors Pull Him Through
• Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
• Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in town. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice ream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”
Two times a week my wife and I go to a nice restaurant, have a glass of wine, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, “In the lake.” She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always. We haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you? U-R-A-BUS!
Two friends are talking over lunch in an outdoor patio.
“So what are you doing for summer vacation?” one asks.
The other one replies, ” I want to go to Italy again, like last year.”
The first asks, “Wow! You went to Italy last year?”
The other answers, “No, but I wanted to.”
When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head.
The first one says, “You need to eat the chocolate.”
The second one says, “You heard. Eat the chocolate.”
I wanted to marry an English teacher when she got out of jail. But you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
“It’s a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway,” he said.
“Actually,” said his guide, “it’s named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation.”
The visitor was astonished. “Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?”
“Yes, indeed,” said his guide. “He wrote a check.”
Refusing to go to the gym is a form of resistance training.
I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I asked him where he got that from.
He said, “I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.”
I asked my wife when her birthday was.
She said March 1st.
So I walked around the room and asked again.
“If you would send out a postcard reminder like the dentist,” the matron told the piano tuner. “I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a timely fashion.”
“From now on, when the dentist sends you a postcard, call me,” he replied.
A patient sobs to his doctor, “I feel like a pair of curtains!”
Doctor replies, “Well pull yourself together man!”
A man opens his door and finds a snail on his front porch. He picks it up and throws it across the street.
A year later the man opens his door and finds the same snail on his front porch.
The snail looks up and says, “What the heck was that all about?”