A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motor-home, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
“We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills.”
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment. “Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet.”
The social workers are finally satisfied. They ask, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”
“It doesn’t really matter, as long as he or she fits in the cannon.”
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law?
He was given two consecutive sentences!
Seven months pregnant, my hand on my aching back, I stood in line at the post office for what seemed an eternity.
“Honey,” said a woman behind me, “I had back pain during my pregnancy. I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a nerve.”
Then the man in front of me piped up….
“You’d better get used to it now. Once those kids get on your nerves, they can stay there till they’re 18.”
The landlady of a rooming house that had seen better days was leading a prospective tenant to a third floor room with badly splattered wall paper.
Landlady: “The last man who lived in this room was an inventor—he invented some type of explosive.”
Prospective tenant: “Then the spots on the wall was some type of explosive?”
Landlady: “No, the inventor.”
First man: “I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller.”
Second man: “I thought they just hired a new teller last week.”
First man: “Right, that’s the one they’re looking for.”
Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Mustang on I-85 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie trooper pulled in behind him and said, “Hey, Sarge, why did you stop?”
The sarge replied, “Forget it, he’s in Georgia now. They’re an hour ahead of us, so we’ll never catch him.”
A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch.
“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a month, eat fatty foods and never exercise.”
“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?”
“Armstrong,” the boss said, “I happen to know that the reason you didn’t come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf.”
“That’s a rotten lie!” Armstrong protested. “And I have the fish to prove it!”
Pete: “What’s that you have in your buttonhole?”
Donald: “That’s a chrysanthemum.”
Pete: “It looks like a rose to me!”
Donald: “Your wrong, its a chrysanthemum.”
Pete: “Then spell it.”
Donald: “K-r-i-s…..your right, it is a rose.”