First day on the job as a bartender

The copy said pull over. I said, “No, it’s a cardigan. But thanks for noticing.’’
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The other day I held the door open for a clown.
It was a nice gesture.
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So, if it’s a Columbus Day sale, does that mean I can go in and take anything I want?
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The neighbor’s obnoxious kid just challenged me to a water fight. I am waiting for the water to boil.
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf and dumb. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where’s the money?
Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido trembles and signs, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger!”
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Two times a week my wife and go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
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A wife started doing her make up as soon as she woke up.
Her husband asked the reason.
She replied, “I have locked my phone with facial recognition. And it’s not recognizing me without makeup.”
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It’s the first day of deer season. A local 911 operator gets a call, mid-morning, from a man who seems a little bit upset.
The man says, “I’m out here in the boonies hunting with my friend, and he appears to have had a heart attack. He fell down writhing and clutching his chest. After a while he stopped breathing, and he seems to be a little bit blue. He’s been like this, still, with his eyes open for a couple minutes.”
The operator says, “Well, that location is really out there, so I think we need to check a few things. First, I need you to make certain whether he is dead or not.”
“OK,” the hunter responds. A few seconds later, the operator hears a loud bang, and the man gets back on the line. “Now what?”
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Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Chief Priest said to him: “Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words.”
Brother John said, “Hard Bed.”
“I’m sorry to hear that” the Chief Priest said. “We will get you a better bed.”
The next year, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. “You may say another two words Brother John.”
“Cold Food.” said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. “Two words you may say today.”
“I Quit.” said Brother John.
“It is probably best.” said the Chief Priest. “All you have done since you got here is complain.”
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After serving for several years in the House of Representatives, Charlie decided to run for a seat in the Senate.
A fellow congressman asked Charlie why he was making this change.
Charlie explained: “My wife wanted me out of the house.”
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The priest was being transferred out of the Parish. One lady in particular was tearful.
“Don’t be sad,” said the priest, “who knows, you might get someone better next time.”
“They say that every time a priest leaves. But they just keep getting worse and worse,’’ said the lady.
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Its Mike’s first day on the job as a bartender. As he serves a customer a Manhattan, a piece of parsley falls into the drink.
“What the is that?” the customer asks.
“It’s your Manhattan. And there’s Central Park.” he replied.