For all you lexophiles

• A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “Five beers, please.”
• The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A ham sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”
• Don’t trust the atoms. They make up everything.
• The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into the bar.
• There are two types of people in the world: Those who need closure.
• Why did the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee? He drank it before it was cool.
• I’d tell a chemestry joke, but I’m afraid I wouldn’t get a reaction.
• I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me not to go to those places.
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• I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
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Working at the unemployment office has to be a tense job.
If you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
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• Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
• There is great need for a sarcasm font.
• Was learning cursive really necessary?
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“I’ve seen plenty of batting slumps,” the manager told one of his coaches. “But I’ve never had a whole lineup in a slump.”
The team had lost 10 of its last 20 games, scoring only eight runs during that stretch.
“We have to try something different,” the manager said to his batting coach. “I’m going into the batting cage myself.”
With the whole team watching, the manager swung at the first pitch and missed. Ditto the next four pitches. On the sixth pitch, he just nicked the ball.
The manager slammed his bat to the ground, turned around, and stared at his players. “That’s how you guys look at the plate!” he yelled. “Now get up there and hit the ball!”
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• Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
• Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
• I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
• Bad decisions make good stories.
• You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
• I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
• I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I think more kisses begin with beer than Kay.
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For all you lexophiles (lovers of words)…
1. A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism it’s your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg. The she broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
17. Every calendar’s days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. ‘Taint yours and ‘taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory, but it was not developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.