Four priests in New York went golfing wearing typical “golfer” outfits. After a while, their caddy asked, “You guys wouldn’t be priests by any chance?”
“Actually, yes, we are,” one cleric replied. “How did you know?”
Easy,” said the caddy, “I’ve never seen such bad golf and such clean language.”
A boxer complains to his doctor about insomnia.
Doc: “Have you tried counting sheep?”
Boxer: “Yes, but whenever I get to 9, I stand up.”
Mary Jones was debating on the best means of dropping her current flame.
Her friend ask: “Are you worried because you think he’ll tell lies about you?”
Mary answered: “I don’t mind the lies, but if he ever tells the truth I will break his neck!”
A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he’d been given. “This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on,” he said.
“I know,” the owner said, “but last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained.”
The contractor said, “Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention.”
A Teamsters Union president was sitting at his son’s bedside getting ready to read him a bedtime story.
He starts out, “Once upon a time and a half.”
I tried cooking with wine for the first time.
After five glasses, I forgot why I was in the kitchen.
A woman was talking to a co-worker, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything away, I am always going around the house cleaning up after him.”
The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'”
The first woman asked, “Did it help?”
Her co-worker replied, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”
Interviewer: “How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?”
Me: “That’s when I went to Yale…”
Interviewer: “That’s impressive. You are hired.”
Me: “Thanks. I really need this yob.”
Steve met the family doctor on the street.
“I hear your wife has gone to Palm Beach for her health,” began the doctor. “What did she have?”
“Eight hundred dollars her father gave her,” answered Steve.
A guy goes to see the doctor for his aching shoulder problem. The doctor said, “Okay, it is a bit inflamed. What I want you to do is put a bag of frozen peas on it, on and off for a week.”
“The peas will work?” the guy asked.
The doctor replies, “Yes, just give peas a chance.”
At the monthly meeting of the local group of struggling artists, two of them were discussing their respective prospects.
First artist: “I’m not doing too well. I painted a picture for a local lady but she didn’t like it. She said it made her look just like a monkey.”
Second artist: “I hope you were diplomatic about it?”
First artist: “Yes, I told her she should have thought about that before she had her picture painted.”
For this year I’m requesting a big bank account and a small body.
P.S. Please don’t mix them up like you did last year.
The speaker was genuinely enthusiastic about the virtues of temperance but his face made people doubt him.
“I have lived in this town all my life. in this town there are fifty-five public houses that sell liquor, and I am proud to say that I have never been in one of them,” he said to the assembled crowd.
Then came a voice from the back, “Which one is that?”