A ham and cheese sandwich walks into bar and asks for a drink.
Bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
Father: What do you see in that boyfriend of yours?
Teen daughter: Well… he’s reliable.
Father: He’s always late picking you up!
Teen daughter: I know and I can always count on it. Remember when you had to sit in the front room with my dates until I was ready?
Father: Now that you mention it, I’m beginning to like this guy!
A woman had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
“Wow,” said her husband, “that was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”
“Wrong number,” replied the wife.
Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver’s license.
“Will there be any change of address?” the clerk inquired.
“No,” I replied.
“Oh, good,” she said, clearly delighted. “You got the house.”
“Mom, I wish I had the enough money to buy an elephant.”
The mother asked, “Why do you want an elephant?”
The boy replied, “I never said I wanted an elephant, I just wish I had that much money.”
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a dog.
Doctor: Lie down on the couch and I’ll examine you.
Patient: I can’t, I’m not allowed on the furniture.
A woman with a minor injury was at the hospital because her doctor said she wanted to take a closer look at it to make sure everything was all right. The woman’s husband sits patiently in the waiting room.
After a few minutes, the doctor comes out and asks her assistant for a wrench, which understandably concerns the husband.
Then, after a couple more moments, the doctor re-enters the room, this time asking for a screwdriver. The husband grows worried and begins to pace in circles. Then, a little later, the doctor bursts through the doors screaming for a hammer.
At that, the husband, in a state of frenzied fear, runs up and asks, “Doctor, what the heck is wrong with my wife?”
“I don’t know,” replies the doctor, “I can’t get my bag open!”
A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says, “So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?”
She says, “Bernie, I want a divorce.”
“My goodness,” he says, “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Did you know that ‘Poli’ in Latin means many and ‘tics’ means bloodsucking creatures.
A young man was trying to park his car between two others. He put in reverse, and bang -right into the car behind him. He then went forward and bang – right into the car in front.
A young woman watching the maneuver couldn’t contain herself, “Do you always park by ear?” she asked.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all!”
A woman had bought lots of shoes over time and she decided it was time to kick the habit. She really took it seriously, even changing her driving route to avoid her favorite shoe store. One evening, however, she arrived home carrying a shoe box. Her husband grinned at her, but it didn’t faze her at all.
“These are very special shoes,” she explained. “I accidentally drove by the shoe store and there in the window were the most perfect shoes I’ve ever seen! I felt this was no accident, so I thought I’d let fate decide. If I would get a parking spot directly in front of the shop, the shoes were meant for me. And sure enough, the eighth time around the block, there it was!”
A prospective husband in a book store: “Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’’
Sales Girl: “Sir, Fiction and