He had delusions of adequacy

A young lady in the pet shop asked about buying a gold fish.
The salesperson asked if she needed an aquarium.
“I don’t care what sign it is,” she said.
••••••••••
My son won a prestigious soccer tournament, the goalie asked us over for a celebratory dinner. The dinner was enjoyed by the father, the son, and the goalie host.
I started a new workout routine this week, doing crunches twice a day. I do Cap’n in the morning and Nestle’s in the afternoon.
••••••••••
A radiologist looked upon x-rays of multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.
“What happened to this patient?” he asked.
“He fell out of a tree,” I reported. “His paperwork states he works for Bob’s Expert Tree Service.”
The radiologist said, “Cross out ‘Expert.'”
••••••••••
Wife: “That’s the third time you’ve gone for dessert,” she scolded. “The hostess must think you’re selfish and an absolute pig.”
Husband: “I don’t think so. I’ve been telling her it’s for you.”
••••••••••
George is so forgetful,” the sales manager complained to his secretary. “It’s a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch but I’m not sure he’ll even remember to come back.”
Just then the door flew open and in bounced George. “You’ll never guess what happened!” he shouted. “While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn’t bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me a half-million-dollar order!”
“See,” said the sales manager to his secretary. “I told you he’d forget the sandwiches.”
••••••••••
Why do people hate getting up early in Athens?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
••••••••••
If you tickle a man to death by accident, is it manslaughter?
••••••••••
When the doctor entered the examining room, the man cried, “My hair is falling out! Can you give me something to keep it in?”
“Of course,” said the doctor reassuringly, and he handed the man a small box. “Will this be big enough?”
••••••••••
These glorious insults are from a bygone era …
“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
– Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
– Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
– Wm. Faulkner (about Hemingway)
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
– Mark Twain
“He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
– Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
– John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
– Irvin S. Cobb
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
– Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
– Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any
address on it?”
– Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
– Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
– Oscar Wilde
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
– Billy Wilder
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t it.”
– Groucho Marx
••••••••••
My wife told me that I did not love any of her relatives.
I told her that is not true. I said, “I love your mother-in-law and father-in-law much more than I love mine.”
••••••••••
“George is so forgetful,” the sales manager complained to his secretary. “It’s a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch but I’m not sure he’ll even remember to come back.”
Just then the door flew open and in bounced George. “You’ll never guess what happened!” he shouted. “While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn’t bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me a half-million-dollar order!”
“See,” sighed the sales manager to his secretary. “I told you he’d forget the sandwiches.”

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.”

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”

nthi
I was trying to decide what to do for a talent show I planned to enter.

Trusting my mother to help me out, I asked, “For the talent show, what do you think I should do, sing or put on a comedy act?”

Glancing up from her paper, she said dryly, “What’s the difference?”

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”

The grasshopper looks at the bartender, with a look of extreme confusion on his face, and says, “You have a drink called Steve?”

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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A Toboggan for their Birthday
Kid Jokes
Submitted by Anonymous
Billy and John were given a toboggan for their birthday. After they had been out playing in the snow, Billy was in tears.

“Now, John,” said his father, “I told you to let Billy use the toboggan half the time.”

“And I did,” said Billy. “I had it going down, and he had it going up.”

My mother and father were driving when she was pulled over by the police. Mom was in a hurry and told the officer so.
“I understand ma’am,” he said. “But I have to ticket anyone over 55.”
“That’s discrimination!” my mom shouted.
“Ma’am, I meant the speed limit,” the cop replied.
••••••••••
• Your grandmother has “Ammo” on her Christmas List.

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