Did you know Bruce Lee has a faster older brother?
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”
The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?
I never got along well with my dad.
Kids used to come up to me and say, “My dad can beat up your dad.”
I’d just say, “Yeah, when?”
When the Sargent asked a woman how long her husband’s been missing she says, “Since last winter.”
Astonished, the Sargent asked, “Why did you wait till spring to report him missing?”
The woman replies, “Because the landscaping company is asking too much money to mow the lawn.”
As a kid, I got lectured for only doing the bare minimum to complete a task.
As an engineer, I get paid to do just that.
Diner: “I want to compliment you on your very clean kitchen.”
Manager: “Clean kitchen? Have you seen our kitchen?”
Diner: “No, but it must be clean because all the food tastes like soap.”
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn’t find any.
What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
She had a photographic memory, but she never developed it
Is it ignorance or apathy that’s destroying the world today?
I don’t know and don’t really care.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population?
Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
My ex-wife still misses me.
But her aim is starting to improve.
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
Need an ark? I Noah guy.
I used to think I was indecisive; now I’m not so sure.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing – but it let out a little whine
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus.
“You Know You’re A Redneck when….
• Somebody tells you that you’ve got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
• You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
• You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
• Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
• Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
• You burn your yard rather that mow it.
• You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
• The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
• Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
• You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it,
• You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
• You come back from the dump with more than you went with.
• You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
• Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.