A lawyer’s dog is having a great time running around the neighborhood unleashed — it heads directly to the butcher shop and pilfers a roast.
The butcher heads over to the lawyer’s office and asks, “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”
The lawyer replies, “Absolutely,” and the butcher informs him that he owes him $18.50 because his unleashed dog just stole a roast from his shop. Speechless, the lawyer, goes on to write the butcher a check for the damages.
A few days later, the butcher checks his mailbox and discovers an envelope from the lawyer. Inside the envelope is an invoice that read: “$75 due for a consultation.”
A grandfather bought a hobby-horse by mail order as a present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces.
The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour; however, it took the old man two days to assemble the toy.
Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it to the company.
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy’s lap!
Two men go to the sea for the first time. At high tide, they each fill a bottle full of water as a souvenir. They return later that day when the sea is at low tide.
One of the men, amazed, looks at his friend, and says, “I guess we weren’t the only ones taking some water!”
I asked my doctor today how long he thought this COVID thing will last.
He said, “How should I know, I’m a doctor not a politician.”
Reporter: What made you go out on that dangerous pond ice and risk your life to save a friend?
Boy: I had to do it. He had my skates on.
I said to my wife, “I need to call the doctor today.”
“Which doctor?” she asked.
“No, the regular kind.”
I just got a job at the local Taxi cab company,
Now I just need to find a ride to get there!
A neighbor asked his friend, who was celebrating 50 years of marriage, what the secret was to a long and happy marriage?
His friend replied, “When we were first married, we vowed to go out twice a week no matter how little money we had and we have done so for 50 years.”
“Twice a week, you say?”
“Yeah. She goes out on Tuesday and I go out on Friday.”
Lady (to her doctor): “What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.”
Doctor: “How come?”
Lady: “According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches.”
How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Ceasars.
Bono & The Edge walk into a bar.
The barman says, “Oh no, not U2 again!”
We got married for better or worse.
He couldn’t do any better and I couldn’t do any worse.
What’s the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and an angry spouse yelling on the back porch?
The dog quits barking once back inside.
The data center of the future will run 24/7 with only a man and a dog.
The man’s job is to feed the dog.
The dog’s job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.
On a wintry day, my 90-year-old father was in the supermarket trying to pay for his groceries. Bundled up against the cold, his gloved hands were having trouble retrieving and counting the exact change.
The transaction evidently took too long for the man behind him in line, who muttered a curse.
Dad stopped counting, turned around, and warned, “Be quiet or I’ll write a check.”
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.