I am next to impossible
My wife is mad. She thinks I don’t like her cooking. To prove her wrong, I had another slice of her gravy.
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Wife: You are impossible.
Husband: No. I am next to impossible.
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My exwife texted me, “I wish you were here.’’ She does this every time she walks through a cemetary.
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The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when I was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine, suit yourself.”
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Wife: Are you having another sleepless night?
Husband: Yeah! I’m so darn angry, I’ve got insomnia again.
Wife: What’s eating you tonight?
Husband: It’s that boss of mine. He keeps bugging me all day long.
Wife: What’s he got against you anyway?
Husband: He says I keep falling asleep on the job.
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I’m not a fan of spring cleaning. I’m not into summer, fall, or winter cleaning either.
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What do you call an extremely clingy alien?
A personal space invader.
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My Uncle Elroy used to sell pants for 25 cents apiece.
Everyone called him Quarter Roy.
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There was a clown convention which included a cruise. One of the clowns fell overboard and eventually washed up on a shore. Unfortunately, the place was occupied by cannibals who quickly made a meal if him. One of the cannibals took a taste, turned to the others and asked, “Does this taste funny to you?”
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Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. “Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said.
“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. “How much did this really cost?”
“All of it,” said Helen.
“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”
“The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone,” said Helen.
Jody asked, “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?”
“Two and a half carats,” she answered.
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My son got a new car and it has every bell and whistle you can imagine.
“Take it out for a drive,” my son said.
I started backing out of the driveway and this cool little TV screen popped up and strangely was showing some video of a kid on a skateboard getting hit by a car.
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Two old baseball players are sitting on the front porch talking about the good old days, when Harry says to Fred, “Fred, I wonder if there’s baseball in heaven”?
Fred said, “I don’t know. But let’s make a pact. First one of us to die comes back and tells the other one if there’s baseball in heaven.”
They shake hands on it and a month or so later Harry dies.
Later, Harry appears to Fred and says he made it to heaven.
“I am glad you are safe. Is there baseball in heaven?” Fred asks.
Harry says, “Well Fred, there’s good news and there’s bad news. The good news is there’s definitely baseball in heaven. The bad news is you’re pitching Saturday.
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A man was getting married to a doctor’s daughter. At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper.
Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion. But after a particularly long pause, he explained, “I’m sorry. I can’t seem to make out what I’ve written down. Is there a pharmacist in the house?”
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I went out for a run this morning, but I came back after a couple of minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I can’t run for more than a couple of minutes.
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The crowded cafeteria sported a large sign reading: “Watch Your Hat and Overcoat.”
Jack did just that, turning every minute, almost choking over his food.
His pal Joe kept on eating, without thought of his own coat on the hook. Finally Joe said, “You dope, stop watching our overcoats.”
“I’m only watching mine,” replied Jack said. “Yours has been gone for over half an hour.”