I am the new comedian

My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
I added fruit and lemonade to it. Now she’s sangria then ever!
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A man walks into the grocery store and ask to speak to the manager about buying all the rotten eggs.
“What do you want with all the rotten eggs?” the manager asks. “Are you going to see the new comedian at the theater tonight?”
“I am the new comedian,” he answered.
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I’ve always thought my neighbors were quite nice people…But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi!
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It’s report card day and little Johnny comes home his dad asked to see it.
Johnny replied “I don’t have it. I loaned it to my friend Bobby”
Dad asked, “Why did you loan out your report card?’’
Johnny replied, “He wanted to scare his parents.”
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Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. Just before take-off, an Army soldier sat next to the two Marines.
The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”
“No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it.
When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the Soldier went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it.
As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked. “This fighting between our services? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes.”
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True hospitality is making your guests feel like they are at home, even though you really wish they were at home!
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It was a hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditioning. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.
All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelled.
One man, popping his head out of his cubicle, said, “Oh, man! Someone’s deodorant isn’t working.”
A man in the corner replied, “It’s not me. I’m not wearing any.”
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• I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
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The guys are playing poker when Fred loses $1500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead.
Realizing Fred‘s wife needs to know, Bob agrees to tell her.
“Be discreet,’’ they tell Bob.
Bob goes to Fred’s home and says to his wife, “Fred lost $1500 playing poker and he’s afraid to come home.”
“Tell him to drop dead,” she says.
“OK, I’ll tell him,’’ replies Bob.
••••••••••u
• Customer: Waiter, I’m in a hurry! Will the pancakes be long?
Waiter: No sir, round.
• Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
• “Waiter, there’s no chicken in this chicken soup!”
“That’s all right, sir. There are • At a Diplomats’ dinner, a waiter tripped and shattered the beautiful plate in which he was carrying a large turkey.
The quick-witted Diplomat announced, “You have just witnessed four major international events happening – the fall of Turkey, breakup of China, spillage of Greece and frustration of Hungary.
• Patron: “Waiter, I’d like a bottle of wine.”
Waiter: “What year, sir?”
Patron: “Well, I’d like it right now.”
• Waiter: “How did you find the steak?”
Patron: “Super easy. It was right next to the potatoes.”
• Waiter: “Curry ok, sir?”
Me: Ok. One song, and then I really need to go home.
• Guest: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?”
Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”