I don’t always go the extra mile

Boss: I’m promoting you to manage our Montreal office!
Employee: But sir! There’s nothing up there but bar girls and hockey players.
Boss: I’ll have you know that my mother is from Montreal!
Employee: No kidding? What hockey team did she play on?
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A man parked the car to go get some coffee. When he returned someone had stolen all the hubcaps.
The next day,he put a sign on the windshield saying the hubcaps are registered, and can’t be sold. When he came back, the hubcaps were there, but the car was gone.
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After returning home from an expensive fishing trip to Canada with his son, the father says, “The way I figure it each fish cost us $400!”
“Well, at that price it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more than we did,” replies his son.
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The electronic turnstule at my supermarket erases your memory. I went for macaroni and cheese and came home with two cases of beer.
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It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
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People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full are missing the point. The glass is refillable.
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Seniors’ GPS: Not only does it tell you how to get to your destination, it tells you why you wanted to go there.
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Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am
until they hear me stand up.
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I don’t always go the extra mile,
but when I do it’s because I’ve missed my exit.
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I hate hotel bath towels. They’re so thick I can’t close my suitcase.
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People call me self-centered. But enough about them.
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A woman in a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids coasted through a stop sign.
“Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?” yelled an irate man.
She replied, “What makes you think these are all mine?”
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My Wife just broke up with me over my chronic gambling addiction. But it’s okay, I’ll win her back.
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Why did the thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?
Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
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Grandpa always said when one door closes, another one opens. Great man, horrible cabinet maker.
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Dentist: “This might be a bit painful.”
Patient: “That’s okay, I can handle it.”
Dentist: “I’m sleeping with your girlfriend.”
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• Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
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I broke my arm in two places. My doctor told me to stop going to those places.
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Dad: Son, if you keep pulling my hair, you will have to get off my shoulders.
Son: But, Dad, I’m just trying to get my gum back!
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Science teacher: When is the boiling point reached?
Science student: When my father sees my report card!
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Boy: “When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money.”
Pastor: “Well, thank you, but why?”
Boy: “Because my dad says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had.”
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Wife: Why are you late?
Husband: I saw a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Wife: Were you helping him look for it?
Husband: No, I was standing on it.
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I took the girl to see the Wizard of Oz on our first date. But I don’t think there be a second date. She kept clicking her heels together three times during the movie.
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
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I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I’m doing..
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Every time I hear the dirty word ‘exercise’,
I wash my mouth out with chocolate..
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I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately

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