I had my patience tested

I broke up with my girlfriend because I found out she was a communist. I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.
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I have one cup of coffee every morning to start the day off right. The others are to keep me out of jail, help me form sentences, and fuel my razor sharp wit!
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An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.
The little old lady went up to the man and said, ”I was going to park there!”
”That’s what you can do when you’re young and quick,” he replied.
She got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes.
The young man ran back to his car and asked, ”What did you do that for?”
”That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich,” she replied.
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After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to the referee, saying, “Here’s your phone.”
“What makes you think its mine?” the ref asked.
“Easy,” the coach replied. “It says you missed 13 calls!”
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From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands.
“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.
“I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that.”
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Three comedians are shooting the breeze in the dressing room after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much that they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other, they just need to refer to each joke by a number.
“Number 37!” cracks the first comic, and the others break up.
“Number 53!” says the second person, and they howl.
Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. “44!” he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets.
“What?” he asks, “Isn’t 44 funny?”
“Sure, it’s usually hilarious,” they answer. “But the way you tell it…”
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People are usually shocked when they find out I am not a good electrician.
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On the eve of our 50th Anniversary my wife told me she was having an affair.
“Are you having it catered?” I asked.
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An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. He takes out an ad in the newspaper
“What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks.
“Here, boy,” he replies.
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If I got 50 cents for every math exam I failed, I’d have $6.30 right now!
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Schoolmaster: “This makes the fifth time I have punished you this week. What do have you to say for yourself?”
Youth: “That I am glad it’s Friday, sir.”
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When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
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To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
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Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
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It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
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The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
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When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
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I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
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I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
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Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
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If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
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When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
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I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

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