I had to walk nine feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel

It’s so cold in Alaska that someone stabbed himself with an icicle and died of cold cuts and babies are brought by penguins, not storks
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Seeing a homeless guy begging on the street, a woman took pity on him and gave him a handful of change.
“Thank you,” said the homeless man. “Your generosity is much appreciated. You know my life used to be great, but just look at the state of me now.”
“How do you mean?” asked the woman.
“Well,” he explained. “I was a multi-millionaire. I had bank accounts all over the world with hundreds of thousands of dollars deposited in each.”
“So where did it all go wrong?” she asked.
“I forgot my mother’s maiden name.”
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Customer: “Can you please cut some canvas for me?”
Me: “Certainly, what width?”
Customer (confused and slightly annoyed): “Scissors?”
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What do you call a wedding usher in Dublin Ireland?
An Irish sitter!
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A large passenger plane is on its way across the Atlantic, when suddenly an F-22 Raptor appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: “Airbus flight, a boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”
He rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the plane and asks, “Well, how was that?”
The airplane pilot answers: “Very impressive, but now have a look here!”
The jet pilot watches the plane, but nothing happens. After five minutes, the plane pilot radioed, “Well, what are you saying now?”
The jet pilot asks confused: “What did you do?”
“I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake.”
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Which part of your body is last to die?
Your eyes. They dilate!
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Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.
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I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
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My goal for the last year was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.
If 2020 was a math word-problem: If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?
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Coronacoaster ( noun): the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing workouts, baking cranberry bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.
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At what point can we just start using 2020 as profanity? As in: “That’s a load of 2020.” or “What in the 2020.” or “abso-2020-lutely.”
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Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese.
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A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
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Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young,
I had to walk nine feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
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A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money. I got up and searched with him.
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Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers.
Me: I never knew she sold flowers.
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We get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story.
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A friend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was blurry. He had selfie steam issues.
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A sailor didn’t like anything he saw in the mess/food line, so he just picked up a large piece of chocolate cake. The cook asked, “Would you like two pieces of cake?”
The sailor said, “I’d appreciate it!”
The cook leaned over and cut the sailor’s piece of cake in half.
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My office was so small I had to leave the room to change my mind.

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