I hate people that won’t admit their faults
Banks should do better at keeping their ATM filled. This is the 5th one I’ve been to today that says ‘Insufficient Funds.’
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self- help section?’’
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
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Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
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I sent that Ancestry site some information on my family Tree.
They sent me back a pack of seed, and suggested that I just start over.
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Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them.
It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.
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Apparently, keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain.
Must be all the indoor-fins.
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Not to brag, but I just went into another room and remembered why I went on there. It was the bathroom, but still…
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I hate people that won’t admit their faults. I would if I had any.
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Lawyer: “Is it a crime to throw sodium in your enemy’s eyes?”
Judge: “That’s assault.”
Lawyer: “I know it’s a salt but is it a crime?”
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“Let’s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day,” Sid said to his golfing pal.
After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
“Help me find my ball, you look over there,” he says.
After five minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I’ve found my ball!” he announces triumphantly.
Sid looks at him forlornly, “After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?”
“What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!”
“And a liar, too, ” Sid says. “I’ve been standing on your golf ball for the last five minutes!”
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The lion married off a child. Being the king of the jungle, he invited all the animals for the wedding.
On the very special night, a mouse walks up the lion and says, “Congratulations brother!”
The lion looks at the mouse and says, “Thanks, but since when am I your brother?”
The mouse replied, “Well, I was once a lion too, then I got married.”
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“I’ve seen plenty of batting slumps,” the manager told one of his coaches. “But I’ve never had a whole lineup in a slump before.”
The team had lost 10 of its last 20 games, scoring only eight runs during that whole stretch. The best they’d done was four hits in a game.
“We have to try something different,” the manager said to his batting coach.
“What do you have in mind?” the batting coach asked warily.
“I’m going into the batting cage myself,” the manager said.
The coach tried to talk him out of it. But the manager was desperate, willing to try anything.
With the whole team watching, the coach swung at the first pitch and missed. He missed the second pitch. Ditto the third, fourth, and fifth. On the sixth pitch, he just nicked the ball, which dribbled back to the pitcher’s mound.
The manager slammed his bat to the ground, turned around, and stared at his players. “That’s how you guys look at the plate!” he yelled. “Now get up there and hit the ball!”
• Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
• Bad decisions make good stories.
• I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
• I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
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For all you lexiophiles (lovers of words)…
1. A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism it’s your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.