I have good news and bad news

A man is at Jordan-Hare Stadium and notices the seat next to him is empty. He asks the guy in if it is his. He says yes and tells him he and his wife had the same seats every year for the past 15. She recently passed, but he kept the extra seat in her memory.
The man asks him if he didn’t have any friends or relatives that could’ve used the seat.
He replies, ‘No they’re all at the funeral.’’
••••••••••
My doctor told me that I have a condition known as narco-somnia, which has symptoms of both narcolepsy and insomnia.
That’s probably why I always sleep with one eye open.
••••••••••
A patron at a restaurant was continually bothering the waiter about the air conditioning. First, he would ask for the air conditioning to be turned up because it was too hot, then he would ask it be turned down because it was to cold, this went on for about a half an hour.
To the surprise of the rest of the customers, the waiter was very patient. Finally a customer asked, “Why don’t you just throw out the pest?”
“Oh, I don’t care,” said the waiter. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”
••••••••••
A scientist found that by adding the occasional seabird to dolphins’ diet, he could prolong their lives almost indefinitely.
One day, whilst driving back to his research facility after catching a batch of seabirds, he heard on the car radio that a lion had escaped from the circus; but it was tame and old and wouldn’t hurt anyone.
On arriving home, he found the lion half-asleep on his doorstep. He carefully stepped over the lion, clutching his bag full of dead seabirds.
At this point police arrived and put him in handcuffs.
The charge? “Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.”
••••••••••
A nurse found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need Sam’s help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let the nurse wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down the nurse asked him if his wife was meeting him.
“I don’t know,” he said. “She is till upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
••••••••••
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Patient: OK, first, what’s the good news?
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: Oh gosh, just 24 hours to live, that is good news? I can’t imagine what the bad news is going to be.
Doctor: I forgot to phone you yesterday.
••••••••••
A guy is in for a job interview, and the interviewer asks him, “What would you consider to be your biggest weakness?”
“Honesty. I’m honest with everyone; I don’t know how to be anything other than completely honest with every single person I meet,” he replies.
“I don’t really see how honesty could be considered a weakness,’’ says the interviewer. “In fact, I think honesty is a great strength.”
“I don’t really give a flip what you think,” the guy replies.
••••••••••
The frugal man walks into the house panting and almost completely exhausted.
“What happened, Honey?” asks his wife.
“It’s a great new idea I have,” he gasps. “I ran all the way home behind the bus and saved $1.50 cents.”
“That wasn’t too smart,” replied his wife. “Why didn’t you run behind a taxi and save ten dollars?”
••••••••••
My friend bought a bus pass to a nude beach.
It turned out to be a ticket to no wear.
••••••••••
Johnny’s father took him on a fishing trip to Canada.
On returning home after catching only three fish his father says, “The way I figure it each fish cost us $400!”
Johnny replied, “Well, at that price it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more than we did.”
••••••••••
A hunter lost his bearings and wandered around the forest in a daze. Suddenly, he spotted another man.
Dropping his rifle, he threw his arms around the other’s neck and screamed, “Boy am I glad to see you! I’ve been lost in these woods for three days!”
“Restrain yourself,” cautioned the other. “I’ve been lost here for a week.”
••••••••••
An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted an attractive young lady.
He asked a nearby trainer, “What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?”
The trainer looked him up and down and said, “I would try the ATM in the lobby.’’