I have so much to say, I don’t know where to begin

One of my loyal readers (Dare, I say fans?) came up with a joke that is especially appropriate for my column. It just popped into his head, he said. Thanks David Frank. I will be in touch when I decide to retire from the stress of having to be funny.

What do you call a flying fish that catches on fire?
A Mullet Toss cocktail.
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A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God’s work.”
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, “you protect the public.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you serve the justice system.”
The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
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“What are you going to do this weekend?”
I’m going to buy glasses.”
“And then what?”
“Then I’ll see.”
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What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
“Supplies!”
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A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.
The store manager promised he wouldn’t say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”
She paused and said, “Yes?”
The bird said, “You know.”
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Jerry was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully to his wife, Karen, “I have one last request dear,” he said.
“Of course, Jerry,” his wife said softly.
“Six months after l die,” Jerry said, “I want you to marry Bob.”
“But I thought you hated Bob,” she said.
With his last breath, Jerry said, “I do!”
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Lady at shoe store: “Pardon me, but do you have any loafers?’
Store clerk: “Yes we do.”
Lady: “Well, send one of them here to help me carry these boxes.”
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Which letter is silent in scent? Is it the ‘C’ or the ‘S’?
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Wife: “If I died, would you remarry?”
Husband: “I may.’’
Wife: “If you did, would you live in the house we have spent our whole marriage together?”
Husband: “I may.’’
Wife: “But if you did, would you sleep in our marriage bed?”
Husband: “I may.’’
Wifef: “But if you did, would she use my golf clubs?”
Husband: “No, she is left-handed.”
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Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”
Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer. Now, let’s try it again!”
Officer: “Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, Sir!”
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Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “Okay.”
Dentist: “I’ve been sleeping with your wife for a year now.”
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Health inspector: “I’m afraid you have too many roaches in here.”
Restaurant owner: “How many am I allowed?”
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My 7 year-old nephew showed me with pride the “telephone” he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, “That’s nice, but look at the phones that kids your age are making in China!”
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What do you call it when your mother’s sisters all gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil Aunties
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Preacher: “I have so much to say, I don’t know where to begin.”
Man in back pew: How about somewhere close to the end?”
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• The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
• I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
• She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.