I hope I’m sick

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.
Man,c!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this.
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Patient: “Lord I hope I’m sick.”
DoctorF: “Why in the world would you want to be sick?”
Patient: “I’d hate to be well and feel like this.”
••••••••••
Two Michigan State fans, while rooting for their team on TV, realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.
“Help, help!” yells one of the Spartan fans.
“Help us, help us!” yells the other.
“Maybe it would help if we yell together,” said the first.
“Good idea,” said the other.
“Together. Together.”
•••••••••
My wife gave me an ultimatum.
It was her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
•••••••••
“Push harder!” I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.
“I hate you, I hate you more than I’ve ever hated anyone!” she screamed.
She was a bit harsh, I thought. It wasn’t my fault the line was so long when at the quickstop on the way.
•••••••••
“I offered my opponents a deal: If they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them.”
– Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952.
“A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.”
– Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman
“I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.’’
– Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician
“Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.’’
– Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games.
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“I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two are lawyers and three or more are the government.’’
– John Adams (1735 – 1826)
•••••••••
“The problem we face today is because the people that work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.’’
– George Bernard Shaw (1856- 1950)
•••••••••
I went a wise man the other day for advice and he said, “He who knows and knows he knows, knows not. He who knows not and knows he knows not, knows.”
I don’t know who’s going to do my taxes next year, but I know it won’t be him again.
•••••••••
Man: “I would like to make a will but I don’t know exactly how to go about it.”
Lawyer: “No problem, leave it all to me.”
Man: “Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I’d like to leave a little to my children, too!”
•••••••••
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. They told me I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
•••••••••
My wife gave me an ultimatum.
It was her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
•••••••••
When I was young, I was poor. But after many years of hard work, I am no longer young.
•••••••••
Tequila is an excellent teacher. Just last night it taught me to count. One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!
•••••••••
The judge warned the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?”
“I do.”
“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”
“Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”
•••••••••
Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few weeks of captivity they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish three times a day.
•••••••••
A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie.
The genie said, “I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only.”
The man thought about his first wish and decided he wanted a million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF!
Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him.
He asked for his final wish, “I wish I was irresistible to women.”
POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

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