I joined our neighborhood watch program

I joined our neighborhood watch program last night…
There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it 1 day a month.
Two prison guards are changing shifts in the morning.
“You know that a prisoner ran off in the night?”
The other guard sighs, “Ah finally, no more of that dang hammering!”
I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist. If they ask what I do, I answer, “You know, stuff.”
A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
All went well at the hospital, but the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. He pulled his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape and a note: “Get well soon. The nurse you gave a ticket to last week!”
Wife: “Whenever I keep money in my purse, our son steals it! I don’t know what to do?”
Husband: “Hide it in his books. I know he will never touch them.”
Husband: I was going to dance down a spiral staircase for your birthday, but I decided not to.
Wife: Why not?
Husband: Because I am a Fred Astaires.
Husband: Tell me what you’d like for your birthday.
Wife: Frankly, I’d like a divorce.
Husband: Yikes! I wasn’t planning on spending that much!
Why didn’t the frog sit on the toadstool?
Because there wasn’t mushroom.
“If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?”
“One dollar.”
“You don’t know your arithmetic.”
“You don’t know my father!”
Dentist: “You need a crown.”
Patient: “Finally, someone who understands me.”
“Darling, I think the new dryer is shrinking my clothes.”
“No, sweetie, that was the fridge.”
What do you call the soft tissue between sharks teeth? Slow swimmers.
I don’t buy my flowers from monks. I’m just doing my bit to prevent florist friars.
I used to run a dating agency for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet!
• Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
• Beauty Parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.
• Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
• Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
• Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
• Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
• Handkerchief: Cold Storage.
• Inflation: Cutting dollars in half without damaging the paper.
• Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.
• Raisin: A grape with a sunburn.
• Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, Good grief, look how smart I am!
• After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian – until I realized there was no future in it.
• My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
Keeping a healthy level of insanity: Tell Your Children Over dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I’ll explain it by using a Q & A
Q. What is an ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Husband: Why isn’t the house clean.? You are home all day.
Wife: Why aren’t we rich? You are at work all day?

“Hi! Did you clean the house?”
“OK, I’m coming home. Need anything?”
“Yes, about 2 hours.”
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Lawyer: “Well Barney, so you want me to defend you? Have you got any money?”
Barney: “I ain’t got no money, but I do get a 1928 Ford Car!”
Lawyer: “Well you can raise money on that. Now let’s see, just what do they accuse you of stealing?”
Barney: “A 1928 Ford Car.”
Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, “what the hell is taking so long?”
“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,” Bob explained. “I want to make a perfect shot.”
“Good lord!” his companion exclaimed. “You don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”