I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes

Me: “I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.”
Friend: “How?”
Me: “I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.”
••••••••••
Artist: “This is my very latest painting. I call it ‘Road Crew at Work’… it’s very realistic.”
Friend: “But they really aren’t at work.”
Artist: “Of course, that’s the realism.”
••••••••••
Teacher: “How much is half of 8?”
Johnny: “Up and down or across?”
Teacher: “What do you mean?”
“Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!”
••••••••••
A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear.
He says, “Doctor, what is wrong with me?”
The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”
••••••••••
Husband: “Now that we are married, perhaps I might venture to point out a few of your little defects.”
Wife: “Don’t bother, dear. I’m quite aware of them. It was those little defects that prevented me from getting a much better man than you.”
••••••••••
“How much does it cost to buy a large singing group?”
“A choir?”
“Okay, fine. How much does it cost to ‘acquire’ a large singing group?”
••••••••••
Two new work crews were putting in telephone poles. At the end of the day the foreman asked the first crew how many poles they had done.
“Twelve,” was the reply. Then he asked the second crew and they said, “two.”
“Two?” shouted the foreman. “The others did twelve!”
“Yeah,” answered the leader of the second crew, “but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground.”
••••••••••
It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it.
He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.
••••••••••
Little Johnny ran into the room sobbing as through his heart would break.
“Whats the problem Johnny?” asked his mother.
“Oh, daddy was hanging a picture and he dropped it on his toe,” replied Johnny.
“Why, that’s nothing to cry about. You should be laughing at that,” said his mother.
“I did,” Johnny replied.
••••••••••
Two years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date.
Today I asked her to marry me.
She said no on both occasions.
••••••••••
A dog was so clever that his owner sent him to college. Home for vacation, the dog admitted he had learned neither history nor science, but added proudly, “I did make a good start in foreign languages.”
“Okay,” replied the owner, “say something in a foreign language.”
The dog said, “Meow!”
••••••••••
A mom has her hands full with a child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long. Easy, boy.”
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William.”
Outside an observer approaches the elderly gentleman, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”
“Thanks,” said the grandfather, “but I’m William. The little brat’s name is Kevin.”

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