I just burned 2,000 calories

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, “Didn’t your company just hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”
The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”
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An applicant shows up 45 minutes late for interview to be a cable installer.
Interviewer: “You’re hired.”
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Therapist: “I think you have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?”
Me: “Can’t say I do.”
Therapist: “That’s one of them!”
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A wife comes downstairs before a dinner date with her husband.
“Do I look fat in this dress?” the wife asks.
“Do I look dumb in this shirt?” the husband replies.
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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
“Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that,” she said.
“Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned,’’ he replied.
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I went out for a run this morning, but I came back after a couple of minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I can’t run for more than a couple of minutes.
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I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today…
That’s seven years in a row now.
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Mom: “You know, you really hurt me on your birthday.”
Me: “Which birthday was that?”
Mom: “The first one. You have a really big head, you know.”
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I’m on my way to the bank, thrilled to know that in a very short while I will I will be able to payoff all my loans and also have all the money I need to begin enjoying life for once.
In fact, I am so excited I can hardly get my ski mask on!”
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My wife was shopping and sent me a picture of her in a dress she was thinking of buying and asked me, “Does this dress make me look big?”
I answered back, “Noooo…”
Autocorrect changed my answer, to “Moooo…”
My wounds are healing nicely.
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A football coached was asked about his star lineman.
The coach replied, “He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I have seen his grades and there are a lot of words he doesn’t know the meaning of!”
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Why did the baseball ballplayer bring a rope to the game?
He wanted to tie the score.
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“I’m so happy to see you,” the boy said to his grandmother. “Now maybe mom will do the trick she has been promising us.”
“What trick is that?” asked the grandmother.
“That she would climb the walls if you came to visit us again,’’ the boy replied.
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Husband: Every time I yell and get angry at you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger?
Wife: I clean the toilet seat.
Husband: How does that help?
Wife: I use your toothbrush.
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A business had a sign on the window saying “Help Wanted. Must be proficient typist, know how to use the internet, and be bilingual.”
A dog walking by picks up the sign in its teeth, and approaches the boss, who assumes correctly that the dog wants to apply for the job.
“Come on,” the man says, “Dogs can’t type.” So the dog sits down at the keyboard and types this message: “Dogs can type just fine.”
“How about computers?” the boss asks. So the dog does a Google search and finds pages of information about the capabilities of canines.
“But the sign also says you would need to be bilingual,” the boss adds. And the dog replies, “Meow.”
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Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized?
It was due to too many strokes.
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A bank robber pulls out a gun, points it at the teller, and says, “Give me all the money or you’re geography!”
The puzzled teller replies, “Did you mean to say ‘or you’re history?’’
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!”
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“The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.’’
– Henny Youngman.
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I just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.