I like long walks
A lot of woman say their husbands never listen to them. I’m proud to say that I’ve never heard my wife say that. (Thanks Paul Serina)
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What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
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How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
Put lox on it.
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A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you.”
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I came home the other night and my wife was crying.
“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
“(Sobbing) “The dog ate a cake I baked for you!”
“Stop crying. I’ll get you another dog!”
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What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
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Don’t irritate old people. The older they get the less “life in prison” is a deterrent.
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I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
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I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.
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Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
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Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.
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• If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
• What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
• A day without sunshine is like, night.
• For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
• What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
• Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
• Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
• When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
• I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
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The IRS Tax auditor exclaimed, ”Mr. Carelton, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.”
”Thank goodness,” returned Mr. Carelton, with a giant grin on his face, ”I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash.”
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After my 91-year-old mother finished having her hair cut and shaped, the stylist announced, “There, now you look ten years younger!”
My mother, unimpressed, replied, “Who wants to look 81 years old?”
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As a man serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently, the saleswoman let him know that the store was having a 20 percent off sale.
“I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her something,” she suggested.
“I don’t have a girlfriend,” he answered.
“No girlfriend? Why not?”
“My wife won’t let me. ”
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A farmer milking his cow was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it until the bug squirted out into his bucket.
It went in one ear and out the udder.
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What did the jealous storm trooper say to the friend who stole his girlfriend and was now going to marry her?
“May divorce be with you!”
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My landlord texted me saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied back: “Sure, my door is always open.”
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I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.
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Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.