A man was found guilty of overusing commas.
The judge warned him to expect a really long sentence.
At the funeral of the richest man in town, a stranger saw a woman crying very loudly. The stranger said, “Are you a relative of the deceased?”
“Then why are you crying?”
The insurance agent was having quite an easy time selling Mrs. Cunningham insurance on her husband’s life. In fact he thought it was too easy.
When all the details were finalized Mrs. Cunningham casually asked, “Now if my husband should die tomorrow what would I get?”
“That would depend entirely,” the insurance man replied, “on how the evidence is presented to the jury.”
I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary!
I said, “Mark, my words!”
A donkey had an IQ of 186. But he had no friends at all, proving that nobody likes a smart-#$%.
What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
Since the corona-virus outbreak, I’ve been washing my hands so much, I found some answers to an old eighth-grade math test!
Customer : I’d like to try on that dress in the window.
Assistant : I’m sorry madam, I’m afraid you’ll have to use the fitting room, like everybody else.
You’ve really gotta hand it to short people, because they usually can’t reach it for themselves.
A man stepped onto the overnight train and told the conductor, “I need you to wake me up in Philadelphia. I’m a deep sleeper and can be ornery when I get up, but no matter what, I want you to help me make that stop. Here’s $100 to make sure.”
The conductor agreed. The man fell asleep, and when he awoke he heard the announcement that the train was approaching New York. Furious, he collared the conductor. “I gave you $100 to make sure I got off in Philadelphia, you worthless fool!”
“Wow,” another passenger said to his traveling companion. “Is that guy ever mad!”
“Yeah,” his companion replied. “But not half as mad as that guy they forced off the train in Philadelphia.”
I like nice long walks, especially when taken by people who annoy me.
A Mafia Boss finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million dollars. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Marco would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Boss goes to confront Marco about his missing $10 million, he takes his lawyer who knows sign language. The Boss tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Marco, “Where’s the money?”
Marco signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about?”
The lawyer tells the Boss, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
The Boss pulls out a pistol, puts it to Marco’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”
The lawyer signs to Marco, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Marco trembles and signs, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, in the shed at my house.
The Boss asks, “What did he say?”
“Boss, he says you’re not man enough to pull the trigger.”
A man named Benny meets a genie who grants him three wishes. Benny wishes for a fine house, a beautiful wife, and a million dollars.
The genie grants his wishes, but warns him that can never shave his beard, or he will be turned into an urn. Benny enjoys his life for many years, but his lovely wife doesn’t like his beard and asks him to shave it off. Though afraid of the genie’s prophesy, Benny shaves his beard, and is immediately turned into an urn.
The moral: A Benny shaved is a Benny earned.
“What’s a 7-letter word for ‘easily perceived or understood’ that starts with ‘O’?”
“Isn’t it obvious?”
“It should be, but I can’t figure it out. That’s why I’m asking.”