I told my boss that three companies were after me

Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters the same names?
Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3, Anna 4.
••••••••••
Doctor: “I see you’re over a month late for your appointment. Don’t you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What’s your excuse?”
Patient: “I was just following your orders, Doc.”
Doctor: “Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.”
Patient: “You told me to avoid people who irritate me.”
••••••••••
A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in summer camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.
The counselor asked, “Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?”
The kid answered, “Did you ever have a mother?
••••••••••
A boy was sitting on a bus and eating one piece of chocolate after the other. A man sat down next to him and said, “Eating so much chocolate isn’t good for you boy.”
The boy answered, “My grandfather died when he was 112 years old.”
The man asked, “Do you think he lived so long because he was eating lots of chocolate?”
The boy answered, “He lived so long because he minded his own business.”
••••••••••
Do you love me with all your heart and soul?” asked Becky on Valentines Day.
“Mmm hmm,” replied Dave.
“Do you think I’m the most beautiful girl in the world?”
“Mmm hmm.”
“Do you think my lips are like rose petals?”
“Mmm hmm.”
“Oh Dave,” gushed Becky, “you say the most beautiful things!”
••••••••••
A magician comes up to our table and does a card trick.
Impressed, I asked him how he did it.
He says “I can tell you, but I’d then have to kidnap you and take you away.”
I said, “Can you tell my mother in law?”
••••••••••
I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay with the current job.
He asked which companies?
I told him gas, electric, and cable.
••••••••••
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
••••••••••
Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe?
Joe: I won it in a race.
Bill: How many people participated in it?
Joe: Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!
••••••••••
The Priest was shaking hands after his sermon, My grandma said, “Reverend that was the longest sermon I’ve ever listened to, it was boring as well.”
I wanted to mend fences so I told him, “Father, pay no attention to her, she only repeats what she hears other people saying.”
••••••••••
Patient- Dr. How much it will cost me to extract my two teeth?
Dentist- $300.
Patient- How much time it will take?
Dentist- Five minutes
Patient- Five minutes only & it’s $300! Don’t you think that is too expensive?
Dentist- I can do it in 30 minutes if you want?
••••••••••
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, “Think I’m gonna divorce the wife. She ain’t spoke to me in over 2 months.”
Earl takes a long, sip of beer and says, “Better think it over. Women like that are hard to find.”
••••••••••
My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music, and candlelight.
“What do you think?” she said
He looked around. “Isn’t this how we got here in the first place?”
••••••••••
A bear walks into a restaurant and says, “I want a grilled…. ……….. cheese please.”
The waiter asks, “What’s with the pause?”
The bear replies, “What do you mean, I’m a bear aren’t I?
••••••••••
After leaving the racetrack Bill bumped into his old friend Peter on the bus. “Say,” Peter said, “How’s it going?”
“Going? You want to hear one of the most amazing things that ever happened? Tell me, what’s today’s date?”
“July seventh.”
“Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month. I go to the track at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live at number seven, Seventh Avenue.”
“Let me guess,” Peter interrupted. “You put everything you had on the seventh horse in the seventh race.”
“Right.”
“And he won!” Peter sighed.

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