I went line dancing last night
I went line dancing last night
In honor of the Soccer World Cup, I thought I’d present a list of red card offenses for Southern folks. Transgressins include:
• Topping your grits with sugar.
• Talking back to your mom.
• Not pulling over for a funeral.
• Calling Mary Frances Mary instead.
• Telling your grandmother you are not hungry.
• Throwing out a perfectly good Country Crock container.
• Thinking macaroni and cheese is not a vegetable.
• Ending a phone call when someone says, “I’d better let you go.”
••••••••••
Guy walks into a bar and says, “Bartender! A round for the house! Oh, and be sure to pour yourself one as well!”
Bartender: “Awfully nice of you! That’ll come to $65.50.”
Man: “Actually, I don’t have a cent on me.”
With that, the bartender angrily stomps from behind the bar, twists the guy’s arm behind his back, and frog-marches him out the door.
Next week, the same guy comes in: “Bartender! A round for the house!”
Bartender, sarcastically, “Oh, so I don’t get one this time?”
“Nah,’’ the man answers. “You get violent when you drink!”
••••••••••
Another guy walks into a restaurant and tells the waitress, “I’ll have a drink and bring me a menu.”
When she returns with his drink, he asks, “Still serving breakfast?”
When she says Yes, he replies, “Then I’ll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee.”
Indignantly the waitress says, “We don’t serve that kinda stuff in here!”
Guy says, “Funny. That’s what I had in here yesterday.”
••••••••••
An elderly couple went to the doctor because they were concerned about memory loss. The doc put them through some tests. He told them they didn’t have to worry too much yet, but it would help if they wrote things down.
That afternoon they were sitting on the front porch enjoying the lovely June weather. The husband decides to get a bowl of ice cream and asks his wife if she would like one too.
She says, “ I would love a bowl of ice cream, but you better write it down.’’
“I don’t have to write it down. How would you like chocolate syrup with your ice cream?”
“I would love chocolate syrup, but you’d better write it down,” the wife answers.
“Don’t need to. How hard can it be? ice cream with chocolate syrup. How about nuts and whipped cream on top?”
“That sounds delicious. I’d love that, but you’d better write it down,” says the wife.
“Nope. How hard can it be?”
So he goes into the kitchen and eventually comes back with two plates of bacon and eggs.
Wife says, “I told you to write it down. You forgot the toast!”
••••••••••
A couple took a hotel room. After a while, the husband called up the concierge and said, “Please, I need your assistance. I’ve just had a serious altercation with my wife, and now she is trying to dive out of the window!”
The attendant replied: “Sorry, but this is a couple’s problem, not the hotel’s.”
And the man said: “I understand, but the problem is that the window is out of order and I can’t open it. And this, indeed, is a hotel’s problem”.
••••••••••
I picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid he might be a serial killer?
I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
••••••••••
I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test.
••••••••••
“Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life,” my boss told me.
“Well it got me to the ‘International Sarcasm’ finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009,” I informed him.
“Really?” he asked.
“No,” I replied.
••••••••••
I decided that my son should be disciplined the way I was when I was his age: being sent to my room without supper.
But my son’s room has a TV, mini-fridge and computer. So, I sent him to my room.
••••••••••
A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a good tip.”
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”
••••••••••