If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive
One of my Michigan Snowbird friends said he could name the capital of every state in the country.
Being familiar with the state and its visitors, I said, “I don’t believe it. Tell me the capital city in Texas, California and Florida.”
“That’s easy,’’ he said. “The capital of Texas is T, California is C and Florida is F.’’
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Friend: “I proposed to my girl friend last night, who just got promoted to a HR position earlier in the day.”
Me: “That is cool! What did she say?”
Friend: “We will get back to you soon.”
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Father O’Malley answers the phone.
‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
••••••••••
Murphy told Quinn that his
wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he’s very lucky
because his own wife makes
him walk.
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Customer: “Could I
try on that dress in the
window?”
Shopkeeper: “I’d
prefer that you use the
dressing room.”
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I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.
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I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant last night and it suddenly went dark. The waiter came over and said: “You all need to start clapping!”
We all started to clap and the lights came on!
I said, “How did that happen?”
He replied, “Old Chinese proverb, many hands make light work.”
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China has a population of a billion people. One billion.
That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you!
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Lawyer: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard
Lawyer: Was this a male or a female?
Witness: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
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A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records.
At one point the auditor exclaimed, ”Mr. Carelton, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.”
”Thank goodness,” returned Mr. Carelton, with a giant grin on his face, ”I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash.”
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Bill and Bob were good friends on the company softball team. One day, They got to thinking if there was baseball in heaven and made a pact that when one of them dies first, the deceased would appear to the friend still on earth and let that person know if there is baseball in Heaven.
As time goes by, Bill winds up dying first.
Six months later, Bob feels a tap on his shoulder, around and, in shock, sees his deceased friend Bill.
Bill says, “Regarding if there is baseball in heaven, well I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there is baseball in heaven. We play it 24/7 and never tire of it.
“So what is the bad news,’’ Bill asks.
“Your pitching Friday,” Bill replies.
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Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.
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If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
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John: “My grandpa is 98 years old, and he doesn’t even use glasses.”
Jack: “Wow, that is incredible!”
John: “Yep, he drinks straight from the bottle.”
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After my 91-year-old mother finished having her hair cut and shaped, the stylist announced, “There, now you look ten years younger!”
My mother, unimpressed, replied, “Who wants to look 81 years old?”
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.