I’ll drink to anything

Jeff had gone to propose to his girlfriend and returned home crying bitterly. “What happened, son?” his father asked, eagerly awaiting her response. “Did she accept?”
“No, she sure didn’t,” sobbed Jeff. “When I told her what you advised me to say, she slapped my face and told me to get out.”
“Did you begin by telling her what I told your mother when she accepted my proposal? ‘Sweetheart, time stands still when I look in your eyes.’ Did you tell her that?” asked his father.
“Well, I said, ‘My dear, you have a face that would stop a clock!'”
••••••••••
Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter.
First woman: “My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.”
Second woman: “I know.”
First one: “How?”
Second one: “My dog told me.”
••••••••••
A wife served some homemade cinnamon rolls for breakfast and waited eagerly for her husband’s reaction.
When none was immediately forthcoming, she asked, “If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?”
Without looking up from his newspaper, he replied, “About ten years.”
••••••••••
A women is getting lunch ready when the phone rings.
“This is the middle school calling about your son Johnny. He’s been caught telling unbelievable lies.”
“I’ll say he has,” the woman replies, “I don’t have a son.”
••••••••••
My second grader announced at the dinner table that after school a boy in her class had kissed her.
Trying to stay cool her mother asked, “How did that happen?”
Our daughter said, “It wasn’t easy, I needed three other girls to help hold him on the ground.”
••••••••••
I used to run a dating agency for chickens. But I was struggling to make hens meet!
••••••••••
A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start drinking. As the night goes on, they get drunk, and the giraffe finally passes out. The man decides to go home.
As he’s leaving, the man is approached by the barkeeper who says, “Hey, you’re not gonna leave that lying here, are ya?”
“Hmph,” says the man. “That’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe!”
••••••••••
Three seniors are out for a stroll.
One of them remarks, “It’s windy.”
Another replies, “No way. It’s Thursday.”
The last one says, “Me too. Let’s have a beer.”
••••••••••
– When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
– A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
– Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, Dam!
– Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
– Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.
– Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
••••••••••
Why did the doctor carry out blood tests on the secretarial candidates? So that he could eliminate type-O’s.
••••••••••
A man went to the doctor with a mystery ailment.
The doctor asked: “Do you drink to excess?”
The man replied: “I’ll drink to anything.”
••••••••••
“Bob, why don’t you play golf with John anymore?” asked a friend.
“Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you weren’t watching?” Bob asked.
“Well, no,” admitted the friend.
“Neither will John,” replied Bob.
••••••••••
An Irishman by the name of O’Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick’s Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn’t real.
The young lass, on learning it wasn’t real, returned to her future husband and protested vehemently about his cheapness.
“It was in honor of St. Patrick’s Day,” he smiled. “I gave you a sham rock.”
••••••••••
This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help.
That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.
“Boss,” he said, “the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!”
“That’s fine,” said the boss, “but where were you yesterday?’’
••••••••••
“I nicknamed the cue ball on my pool table ‘Itch’.”
“Why?”
I’m always scratching it!”

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