My boss always laughed at my jokes at work, but she never laughs at them in Zoom chats. I asked her why.
“Because your jokes aren’t remotely funny,” she said.
How long have you been working at that office?”
“Ever since they threatened to fire me.”
Wife: “I’m convinced my mind is almost completely gone!”
Husband: “I’m not surprised. You’ve been giving me a piece of it every day for the past twenty years.”
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: “Close Enough.”
I’m a multi-tasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!
In the confessional a man admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
“What did you take?” his priest asked.
“Enough to build my own house and enough for my son’s house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake.”
“This is very serious,” the priest said. “I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?”
“No, Father, I haven’t,” the man replied. “But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber.”
Husband: Why isn’t the house clean.? You are home all day.
Wife: Why aren’t we rich? You are at work all day?
“Hi! Did you clean the house?”
“OK, I’m coming home. Need anything?”
“Yes, about 2 hours.”
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Lawyer: “Well Barney, so you want me to defend you? Have you got any money?”
Barney: “I ain’t got no money, but I do get a 1928 Ford Car!”
Lawyer: “Well you can raise money on that. Now let’s see, just what do they accuse you of stealing?”
Barney: “A 1928 Ford Car.”
Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, “what the hell is taking so long?”
“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,” Bob explained. “I want to make a perfect shot.”
“Good lord!” his companion exclaimed. “You don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”
Our computers went down at work today, and we had to do everything manually. It took me 10 minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.
Why did the man give up being a taxi driver?
There was too much talking behind his back.
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the sunny Caribbean.
Lawyer: “I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”
Engineer: That is quite a coincidence. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”
Lawyer: “How do you start a flood?”
My wife dated a clown before she started going out with me.
I had some pretty big shoes to fill.
I googled ‘lost medieval servant boy. The result was, “This page cannot be found.”
A grocer put up a sign that read: “Eggplants, $0.25 each or three for a dollar.”
All day long, customers came in exclaiming: “Don’t be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!”
The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, “Aren’t you going to fix the mistake on your sign?”
“What mistake?” the grocer asked. “Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant.”
Vincent Van Gogh’s lesser known relatives:
His really obnoxious brother – Please Gogh.
His brother who ate prunes – Gotta Gogh.
His dizzy aunt – Verti Gogh.
His aunt who taught positive thinking – Wayto Gogh.
His magician uncle – Wherediddy Gogh.
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?