I’m just trying to find a happy medium
Police officer: “Your truck is heavily overloaded. I simply cannot let you continue like that. I’m going to have to take away your driver’s license.”
Driver: “You’re kidding me, right? The license can only weigh one ounce, tops!”
••••••••••
Doctor: “Dan, I have some good news and some bad news.”
Dan: “Give me the good news.”
Doctor: ”They’re going to name a disease after you.”
••••••••••
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, ”I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.”
‘In that case,” said the patient, ”I’ll come back when you’re sober”
••••••••••
They let an idiot in the gym today. He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill!
••••••••••
A man bowed his head and wept quietly while a young woman rendered the plaintive ballad, “My Old Kentucky Home.”
The hostess tiptoed up to him and inquired, “Pardon me, are you a Kentuckian?”
“No, madam,” he replied, “I’m a musician.”
••••••••••
Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argument.
“Are there two pints in a quart or four?” asked one.
“There be two pints in a quart,” confirmed the proprietor.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order. “Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us.”
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to the proprietor, “You did say two pints, didn’t you?”
“That’s right,” he called back, “two pints!”
••••••••••
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse started with certain basics.
“How much do you weigh?” she asked.
“135,” I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asked, “Your height?”
“5 foot 4,” I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5 foot 2 inches. She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
“Of course it’s high!” I replied. “When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”
••••••••••
“I’m a walking economy. My hairline’s in recession, my waist is a victim of inflation, and together they’re putting me in a deep depression.”
••••••••••
Went to see a psychic who was in a bad mood. Then I saw a clairvoyant who was really grumpy. I’m just trying to find a happy medium
••••••••••
Classic one liners from the great Henny Yougman…
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.’’
“My brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then he joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.’’
“People ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.’’
“I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.’’
••••••••••
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
• Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
• What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
• If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, do they automatically lose because they can’t find themselves?
• How much does it cost a Pirate to get his ears pierced?
••••••••••
• When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.
• Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.”
• If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.
• “Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo.”
• Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?
• I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s eight and it’s past his bedtime.
• Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
• Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.