I’m just trying to find a happy medium

A magician was working on a Caribbean cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the show every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
“Look, it’s not the same hat!”
“Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!”
“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was the captain’s parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said: “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”
Success is relative. The more success, the more relatives!
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. Tuba is also an acronym: Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.
My friend is making an absolute fortune by selling pictures of salmon dressed up in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. “Was I getting in the tub or out?” she yells.
The 94-year-old hollers back, “I don’t know, I’ll come up to see.”
She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, “Was I going up or going down?”
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful,” and knocks on wood for good measure.
Then she yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
First Student: “How far are you from the correct answer?”
Second Student: “About two seats away.”
Barney: I have a three-season bed.
Wilma: What is a three-season bed?
Barney: One without a spring.
Blanche: Herb, if you don’t stop snoring, I’m going to toss you out on your ear!
Herb: Does it upset you that much?
Blanche: Not just me, the entire congregation.
Went to see a psychic who was in a bad mood.
Then I saw a clairvoyant who was really grumpy.
I’m just trying to find a happy medium.
I threw a ball for my dog. It’s a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a tuxedo.
When my wife told me that the Prime Minister of Canada got re-elected, I thought she was lying.
It’s Trudeau.
Suzy: “Mom, did you want a boy or a girl?”
Mom: “I just wanted to watch a movie.”
A woman searching for an open parking space noticed a couple walking just ahead.
“Going out?” she asked.
“No,” the man said, “we’re just friends.”
Questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return, the deli owners responded, “Why don’t you people leave me alone? I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?”
“It’s not your income that bothers us,” the agent said. “It’s these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife.”
“Yes. It’s true. We deliver anywhere,” he answered.
I was hesitat to attend my 30th class reunion from nursery school because I’ve put on 90 or 100 pounds since then.
Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, yet one swat with a newspaper and it would die.
Shows how toxic the media is.
– If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
– If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
– Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?
– Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?