I’m on a whiskey diet

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
When the bride reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said, “What are your golf clubs doing here?”
He looked her in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”
Yeah, I drink brake fluid, but I can stop anytime.
What are couch potato’s children called ? Tater tots.
A girl went to a palmist to have her hand read.
“I see that you are in love with a tall man with a front tooth missing,” the palmist said.
“That’s right,” was the reply.
“I see that he has ask you to marry him and his name is Bill Jones,” the palmist said.
“That’s marvelous. How can you tell that from the lines on my hand?”
“You are wearing the wring I gave back to Bill two weeks ago,” she answered.
A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.”
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”
I was trying to decide what to do for a talent show I planned to enter.
I asked my wife, “For the talent show, what do you think I should do, sing or put on a comedy act?”
“What’s the difference?” she asked.
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The grasshopper says, “You have a drink called Steve?”
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A robber breaks into a house and ties up the woman and man.
The robber asks where the jewels are and the guy responds with: “I’ll give you everything! Please, let her go…”
Robber: “I only care about the jewels! I won’t hurt you if you give me what I want.”
Guy: “I beg you, let her go!”
Robber: “Wow, you must really love your wife.”
Guy: “Oh no, my wife is about to get home!”
They told me, “Follow your dreams…”
So I went back to bed.
The only reason some people act lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory.
So when is this “old enough to know better” supposed to kick in?
“If you don’t know where you’re going, you might end up someplace else!’’
– Yogi Berra
My neighbour banged on the wall at 430 this morning. They banged and shouted, “Can we have a little respect please?”
Lucky I was still awake listening to music. I shouted back, “I’m not a big Aretha Franklin fan, but this one’s for you!”
Captain Hook, Captain Crunch, and Captain America walk into a bar. Hook says, “Ahoy mates, I’ll buy the first round. Just let me go to the bathroom real quick.”
The others wait and when Hook comes back Captain America asks, “Hey Hook, how bout those drinks?”
Hook yells, “Shove it up yer stars and stripes, ya flag waving boy scout!”
America turns to Crunch, “Why’s he suddenly so irate?”
Crunch says, “Well, that’s what happens when you take the P out of a pirate.”
My boss calls me “the computer.” Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
My mother and father were driving when she was pulled over by the police. Mom was in a hurry and told the officer so.
“I understand ma’am,” he said. “But I have to ticket anyone over 55.”
“That’s discrimination!” my mom shouted.
“Ma’am, I meant the speed limit,” the cop replied.
“Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
– John Quinton, actor/writer
“Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
– Oscar Ameringer, “The Mark Twain of American Socialism.”

I offered my opponents a deal: “if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them”.

~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.

~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

~ Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games

I am reminded of a joke: What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution.
What happens if all of them drown? That is solution!!!
I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two are lawyers and three or more are the government.

~John Adams (1735 – 1826)

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Government.
But then I repeat myself.

Mark Twain (1835- 1910)

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the Government and report the facts!

~ Will Rogers (1879- 1935)

I contend that for a nation to try and tax itself into prosperity, is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.

~ Winston Churchill (1874 – 1965)

A Government which robs Peter to pay Paul, can always depend on the support of Paul!
~ Will Rogers (1879- 1935)

The problem we face today is because the people that work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.
~ George Bernard Shaw (1856- 1950)

I don’t like political jokes, but a lot of them get elected!