I’m reading a book on anti-gravity

A successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation,” said the man.
The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”
“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”
“I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.”
“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don’t like factories, and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?”
“Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out.”
••••••••••
What do you get when cross an elephant and a skunk?
A smell that you will never forget.
••••••••••
This guy went to see a highly recommend psychiatrist. The doctor showed the man an inkblot and asked, “What does this remind you of?”
The guy replied, “A naked woman.” Then the shrink showed the man another inkblot and asked the guy the same question. The guy responded, “A naked woman on a bed.” This went on and on, inkblot after inkblot.
The psychiatrist finally said to the guy, “You are a sick pervert.”
The guy replied, “You’re the one who keeps showing me all those naked women pictures.”
••••••••••
• What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
• What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
• Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.
• Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
• What do you wear to Thanksgiving dinner? A har-vest.
••••••••••
Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
••••••••••
• What did the jealous storm trooper say to the friend who stole his girlfriend and was now going to marry her?
“May divorce be with you!”
••••••••••
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries.
“He says you’re gonna die.”
••••••••••
Madame: “Alfred, why didn’t you water the garden yesterday?”
Butler: “It was raining, madam.”
Madame: “Well, that’s hardly an excuse, couldn’t you have taken an umbrella?”
••••••••••
My landlord texted me saying we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied back: “Sure, my door is always open.”
••••••••••
Three old men were sitting on a bench when a reporter approached them.
“I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell me your secret to long life,” the reporter asked.
“I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years,” the first man said.
“That’s really remarkable!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?”
“I’m 93,” said the first old man.
“I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some,” the second man said.
“And how old are you?” asked the reporter.
“I’m 91,” said the second old man.
“I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I have smoked three packs of cigarettes a day since I was 15,” the third man said.
“Wow!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?”
“29,” replied the third man.
••••••••••
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.
••••••••••
• Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they’d crack each other up!
• I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.
• I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
• Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.