I’m two hours late and you are still not ready?

A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in.
“Careful,” he said. “Put in some more butter! You’re cooking too many at once. Turn them. You need more butter. They’re going to stick. Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.’’
The wife said to him, “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
••••••••••
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “ It’s not about me; it’s about my wife. If I can persuade her to see you, do you think you will be able to help her?”
“That depends,” says the psychiatrist, “what’s her problem?”
“She thinks she is a chicken,” replies the man.
“How long has this been going on?” asks the psychiatrist.
“For about three years now, says the man.
“Why didn’t you come to me sooner?” asks the shrink.
“I would have, but we needed the eggs,” the man replies.
••••••••••
Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses.
The other calls 911, panicking: “I’m out hunting with my friend. He just fell over, his eyes rolled back in his head and he’s not breathing. I think he’s dead! What can I do?”
The operator calmly replies: “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s really dead.”
The phone gets quiet at the 911 emergency services’ end for a few seconds, then a gunshot is heard.
The caller returns and says, “OK that’s taken care of. Now what?”
••••••••••
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
••••••••••
• The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
• I never make mistakes. I thought I did once; but I was wrong.
• What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit?…Ba-na-na-naaa!
• What do you do with a dead chemist. You Barium.
• How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
• What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.
• My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food in front of you. I took her to Subway.
••••••••••
Me: Sobbing my heart out, “I can’t see you anymore. I’m not going to let you hurt me again.” Trainer: “You did one sit-up.”
••••••••••
I picked up a hitchhiker who asked me if I wasn’t afraid he might be a serial killer?
I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
••••••••••
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Sarah decided she had been stood up.
Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, and resigned herself to an evening of TV.
No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV when the doorbell rang and there stood her date.
He took one look and said, “I’m two hours late and you are still not ready?”
••••••••••
A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.”
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”
••••••••••
Interviewer: What drives you?
Candidate: The bus mostly.
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
Candidate: Missing the bus!
••••••••••
• Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
• On anniversaries, the wise husband alway forgets the past, but never the present.
• Many girls like to marry a military man. He can make beds, is in good health, and already used to taking orders.
••••••••••
Attached to the back of an Amish carriage in Pennsylvania: “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”
••••••••••
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald that they don’t recognize you.