In 1983, I fell off my bicycle and scratched my knee.

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts…
In feudalism, it’s your Count that votes!
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My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start, but I made it!
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I was walking down the road and saw my neighbor standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, “What’s wrong?”
He replied, “It won’t start!”
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An old man walks up and says, “For sixty years I’ve been trying to figure out why we vote in November. Finally found the answer.”
“Why’s that?”
“Better selection of turkeys!”
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In 1983, I fell off my bicycle and scratched my knee. I’m telling you this because we didn’t have social media back then.
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Barber, cutting a customer’s hair: “Hmm, I see a few gray hairs.”
Customer: “At the rate you’re going, I’m not surprised.”
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My wife: Our new neighbors are so in love. He kisses her. He strokes her hair. He brings her flowers. Why don’t you do that?
Me: I don’t know her well enough yet.
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My wife crashed our car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on the phone and drinking a beer.
The police said he can do whatever he wishes in his living room.
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What is a forum?
It’s two-um plus two-um.
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Whoever recently lost the iphone 15 Max pro outside the grocery store please stop calling my new phone.
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Math Question: If Joe is 65 and his girlfriend is 22. How much money does Joe have?
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Me: Is this a helpline for alcoholics?
Counselor: Yes it is.
Me: How do you make a mohito?
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A cable TV repairman stopped me on the street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it was between 8 a.m. and noon.
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Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”
“Let me take care of it,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”
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You know your old when….
• You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
• Your joints make the same noise as the coffee maker.
• Your brain cells are down to a manageable level.
• You go to straighten wrinkles in your socks and find out you aren’t wearing any.
• Your secrets are safe with your friends since they can’t remember them anyway.
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Customer: “How much is the hamburger steak?”
Butcher: “$1.98 cents a pound.”
Customer: “But at the corner market is only $0.98 cents a pound.”
Butcher: “Then you should go there to buy it.”
Customer: “But they are all out of it.”
Butcher: “When we don’t have any, we sell it for $0.50 cents a pound.”
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Even Popeye didn’t eat his spinach until he absolutely had to!
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Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argument.
“Are there two pints in a quart or four?” asked one.
“There be two pints in a quart,” confirmed the proprietor.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
“Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us.”
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other end of the bar, “You did say two pints, didn’t you?”
“That’s right,” he called back, “two pints!”
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