It takes longer to rest than to get tired.
In honor of St. Paddy’s Day…
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey.”
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”
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Me: I taught my dog to play chess.
Friend: He must be very smart?
Me: Not really, I beat him two games out of three!
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I’m having people over to stare at their phones later, if you want to come by.
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We don’t throw away perfectly good food in our house. We put it in tupperware until it goes bad and then toss it.
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Harold and Jack are about to rob a bank. Harold says, “All right, Jack, hold the gun on the teller and tell her to put all of the money in the bag. Meanwhile, I’ll be out here in the car, taking all the chances.”
Jack says, “Now wait just a minute. If I’m the one running in there with the gun and the bag, getting the money and running back out before the cops show up, how are you the one taking all the chances?”
Harold replies, “Because I can’t drive.”
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Don’t irritate old people. The older they get the less “life in prison” is a deterrent.
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Patient: Doctor, I’m thinking that I may be losing my hearing.
Doctor: Can you tell me what you know of the symptoms?
Patient: Homer is bald and fat, Marge has blue hair.
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A man went in to a restaurant and ordered alphabet soup. The man’s alphabet soup was in front of him when a bee went inside.
The man cried out, “Waiter, Waiter, there’s a bee in my alphabet soup!”
The waiter said, “Yes, sir, and I believe all the other letters are there too.”
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I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
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I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. But through hard work, time and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit!
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Old is when…
• Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
• A pretty lady catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.
• You remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
• You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
• It takes longer to rest than to get tired.
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The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.
Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, “Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful – so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing.”
The minister, of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man say, “Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!”
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As a man serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently, the saleswoman let him know that the store was having a 20 percent off sale.
“I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her something,” she suggested.
“I don’t have a girlfriend,” he answered.
“No girlfriend? Why not?”
“My wife won’t let me. ”
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A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it until the bug squirted out into his bucket.
It went in one ear and out the udder.
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Lawyer: Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–
Witness: Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.
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Lawyer: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death..
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Take a guess.