It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub

My wife isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
Not sure how I did that. I didn’t even know it was her birthday!
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A photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures. The host looked at the photos and commented, “These are great! You must have a good camera.”
He replied, “That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots.”
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• It would be wonderful if I could put myself s in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
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My wife says that I spend too much time talking to random people online.
What do you guys think?
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I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I asked him where he got that from.
He said, “I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.”
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An American tourist was visiting a small village in Newfoundland. He approached a local person and asked, “What’s the quickest way to Marystown?”
The local, scratched his head, “Are ya walkin’ er drivin’?” he asked the stranger.
“I’m driving,” said the stranger.
“Well, that’s the quickest way.”
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Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”
“Let me take care of it,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”
“I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.
Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”
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Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Candidate: “There was a relocation.”
Interviewer: “Ysdou moved?”
Candidate: “No, my company did. They just didn’t tell me.”
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It’s strange to think 75 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has a car and only the rich own horses.
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Tom was so excited about his promotion to vice president of the company and kept bragging about it to his wife.
Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”
“Really?” he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says, “Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?”
The clerk replies, “Canned or frozen?”
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A man wanted to be dismissed from jury duty, but none of his excuses worked. So on the day of the trial, he asked to approach the bench. “Your Honor,” he said, “I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant.”
“Oh?” the judge asked.
“Yes!” the man replied. “I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face, and I thought, ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty.’ So, your Honor, I couldn’t possibly be on this jury!”
The judge replied, “Get back in the jury box. You are just the kind of juror we are seeking–a good judge of character. That man is the defendant’s lawyer.”
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It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
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The Judge said to the defendant, “I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again?”
“Your Honor,” the criminal said, “that’s what I tried to tell the police but they wouldn’t listen.”
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A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway.
Police advise citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals!
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Dad: “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?!”
Son: “Go on, then.”
Dad: “No. No. Not the kryptonite.”
Son: “Dad, that’s Superman!”
Dad: “Thanks. I’ve been practicing a lot.”