It’s all about raisin awareness

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
“Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“We’re short-handed, Smith,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks, boss,” says Smith, “I knew I could count on you!”
••••••••••
Dad: “Son, how much did it cost when you took your girlfriend to dinner yesterday?”
Son: “Dad, it was only $25.”
Dad: “Oh, that’s not too bad.”
Son: “It would’ve been more, but that was all the money she had on her.”
•••••••••
“You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150,” the undertaker told the man whose wife died while they were on vacation in Jerusalem.
The man replied that he would have his wife shipped home.
The undertaker asked why would he would spend $5,000 when she could be buried in the Holy Land for $150.
The husband replied, “Long ago, a man died here, was buried, and three days later he rose from the dead. I can’t take that risk.”
•••••••••
An American goes to a bank in Switzerland and and whispers, “I have a million dollars with me. I urgently need to open a secret Swiss bank account!”
The Swiss bank teller replies, “Sir, there’s no need to whisper. Poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland.”
•••••••••
“Hello, police department? I’ve lost my cat and… ”
“I’m sorry lady, but this is not a police job, you can try calling…”
“But you don’t understand, this is a very intelligent cat. He is almost human. He can practically talk.”
“Well, in that case ma’am, you’d better hang up. He may be trying to call you right now.”
•••••••••
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: “Close Enough.”
•••••••••
A man with a nagging secret couldn’t keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
“What did you take?” his priest asked.
“Enough to build my own house and enough for my son’s house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake.”
“This is very serious,” the priest said. “I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?”
“No, Father, I haven’t,” the man replied. “But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber.”
•••••••••
A man sees an old man with a nice looking dog. He goes over to the man and asks, “Does your dog bite?”
The old man replies, “No, never.”
When the man bends down to pet the dog, it immediately takes a snap at his hand. The man says, ‘I thought you said your dog did not bite!”
“I did,” replies the old man, “but this isn’t my dog!”
•••••••••
Last night, I spent 5,000 bucks on a reincarnation seminar.
I figured, “What the heck, you only live once!”
•••••••••
Jessie: “I’m telling you Sam, that’s a mechanic you can trust!”
Sam: “Really?”
Jessie: “Oh yeah, I thought he was going to charge me a lot of money for a lot of made up repairs, but he didn’t. He only charged me for changing the light blinker fluid.”
•••••••••
A guy goes to the door and rings the bell. A butler answers and says, “The servants’ entrance is around back.”
The guy says he needs a job.
The butler says, “Ok, we do need someone to paint the porch by the garages. Go around back. The paint and brushes are on the steps.
Time passes and he returns and rings the bell. The butler pays him.
As he’s leaving the guy says, “Oh, and by the way, that isn’t a porch. It’s a lamborgini.”
••••••••••
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer. The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
••••••••••
• Bono & The Edge walk into a bar.
The barman says, “Oh no, not U2 again!”
••••••••••
• What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision?
Suture self.
• I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.