I’ve got some good news and some bad news

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”
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A customer walked up to my bank window and asked me to cash a check.
“Of course,” I said. “But I’ll need to see ID.”
She dug though her purse and handed me a snapshot.
“That’s me in the middle,” she said.
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How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on!
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I went to a smoke shop to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.
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A woman in my office recently divorced after years of marriage, had signed up for a refresher CPR course.
“Is it hard to learn?” someone asked.
“Not at all,” my co-worker replied. “Basically you’re asked to breathe life into a dummy. I did that for 12 years.”
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Upon receiving her manuscript with a rejection letter back from a major publishing company, the author sent a letter to the editor.
“Sir,” she began, “you sent back a story of mine. I know that you did not read the story, for as a test I pasted together pages 18,19,20 and 21. My story came back with these pages still stuck together. I know you are a fraud and turned down the manuscript without reading them.”
The editor replied: “Madam, when I open an egg I don’t have to eat the whole egg to discover it is bad.”
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I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with beer than Kay.
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Agent (to writer): I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
Writer: First tell me the good news.
Agent: Paramount just loved your script, absolutely ate it up.
Writer: That’s fantastic! And the bad news?
Agent: Paramount is the name of my dog.
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Did a little mechanical work today. I put a rear end in a recliner.
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Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
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The clergyman of a large church was being shaved by a local barberand he noticed an unmistakable odor of whisky around the barber’s face when the razor suddenly nicked the man’s face.
“You see, that comes from taking too much drink,” said the clergyman.
“You’re right,” said the barber. “Drinking does make the skin tender.”
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Seeing her friend Marcia wearing a new locket, Ashley asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.
“Yes,” says Marcia, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive?”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
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To whomever stole my anti depressants. I hope you’re happy now!
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How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing. It’s on the house.
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For all you lexiophiles (lovers of words)…
1. A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism it’s your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

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