A Policeman stops a speeding car and tells the woman driver, “When I saw you driving down the road, I thought to myself, ‘sixty-five at least.’”
“Sixty-Five!” shrieked the woman.
“I don’t think that is quite fair. I think this hat makes me look older.”
What did the mother worm say to her son when he was late for dinner?
“Where IN Earth have you been?
Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Barbados. In the airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, “Say, is this really a healthful place?”
“It sure is,” the cabby replied. “When I arrived here I couldn’t say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn’t have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed.”
“That’s wonderful!” said the tourist, “How long have you been here?”
“I was born here.”
When I am told, “You’ll regret that in the morning”, I don’t let it bother me.
Being a problem solver, I just sleep in till noon.
Tom and Sarah decided it was time to write a will and get their affairs in order. A lawyer then asked them questions about what medical means should be employed should they become severely injured.
Tom spoke up, “I don’t want my life regulated by some machine. I just can’t stand the idea of receiving my nourishment from a bottle.”
Sarah took Tom’s words to heart. When they got home, she cut the TV cord and dumped out all of Tom’s beer.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic.
Two old friends meet passing on the street one day. But one seemed hopeless, and almost on the verge of tears.
His friend asked, “What has the world done to you?”
The sad man said, “Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars.”
“That’s not bad.”
“But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew kicked the bucket, and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear.”
“Sounds like you should be grateful…”
“You don’t understand!” he interrupted. “Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million.”
Now the friend was really confused. “Then, why are you so sad?”
“This week… nothing!
Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?
The hip consultant.
A woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband, “Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!”
“Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”
“Whatever. Just so you’re out of the house by noon!”
I’ve started a new exercise program.
I do twenty sit-ups every morning.
That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button just so many times.
What kind of pastry needs a thesaurus?
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
A man was staggering home drunk in the early hours of the morning when he was stopped by a police officer.
“What are you doing out at this time of night?” asked the officer.
“I’m going to a lecture,” said the drunk.
“And who’s going to be giving a lecture at this hour?”
A man went to the doctor and said: “Doctor, I keep having visions of the future.”
“When did these start?”
“That guy was so happy that it’s St Patrick’s day, that he was literally bouncing off the walls!”
“Who was it?”
Why is it always a bad idea to iron a four-leaf clover?
Because you should never press your luck.
A wife comes downstairs before a dinner date with her husband.
“Do I look fat in this dress?” the wife asks.
“Do I look dumb in this shirt?” the husband replies.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was
a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray
Is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.