Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?” 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time,
except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
“Mr. Barnes, it’s obviously not a good morning for golf. It’s good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly.
“Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-eight,” he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
“Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?”
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, “I outlived all of them,” and he calmly returned to his seat.
I was going to post a time-traveling joke…But you guys didn’t like it.
A guy calls AAA: “I’m stranded on the side of the road.”
AAA: “At least you have a shoulder to cry on.”
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, “Jack, I’ve got trouble down here!”
“What’s the matter?” Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
“Bring me my wedge,” Joe shouted. “You can’t get out of here with an eight iron!”
My Doctor told me to avoid any unnecessary stress.
To comply, I did not open his bill.
I found a rock that is 1760 feet long…It must be a Milestone!
A state trooper, stopped a woman for going 15 miles over the speed limit.
After he handed her a ticket, she asked him, “Don’t you give out warnings?”
“Yes, ma’am,” he replied. “They’re all up and down the road. They say, ‘Speed Limit 65.'”
A flea jumped into a restaurant, nibbled on a pizza and jumped out again and landed on the hard pavement.
He picked himself up, dusted himself down and said, “OK, who moved my dog?”
Vincent Van Gogh had a really large family. Here’s a listing of some of the lesser known relatives:
• The really obnoxious brother – Please Gogh
• The brother who ate prunes – Gotta Gogh
• His dizzy aunt – Verti Gogh
• An aunt who taught positive thinking – Wayto Gogh
• And his magician uncle – Wherediddy Gogh
Electricians are always watching the news..They like to keep up with current events.
My boss didn’t come in to work today. He called this morning and said he was having a vision problem.
When I asked what was wrong, he replied, “I just can’t see myself at work today.”
Why is it that everyone is so worn out on April 01? They have just endured a March of 31 days!
Patrons at the zoo were astonished to see an old man jump over the bars of the lion’s cage. Seemingly oblivious to the danger, he walked among the fierce creatures holding the latest bestselling book in his hands, intently perusing its contents. The spectators were beside themselves.
“What in the world is he doing?” shouted one.
“Is he crazy? He’s going to get killed!” yelled another.
“Don’t worry about him,” replied the man’s son. “That’s just my dad. He likes to read between the lions.”
Lady (to her doctor): “What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.”
Doctor: “How come?”
Lady: “According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches.”
My friend: “I work at Google!”
Me: “That’s great, I google at work.”