A man walks into a shoe store

This one is from our good pal Pete Hourihan of Orange Beach…
The City’s largest Charitable Organization realized that it had never received a donation
from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, “Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community?”
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, “First, did your research also show you that my mother
is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”
Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, “Uh… No, I didn’t know that.”
“Secondly,” says the lawyer, “did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined
to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?”
The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
“Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident,
leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another
that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, “I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”
So the lawyer says, “So, if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?”
Wife: “I wish I were Juliet, and I had a Romeo…”
Husband: “If you would have been Juliet, I don’t think Romeo would’ve chosen to die.”
A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
The bartender looks confused but gives him another beer.
This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, “When are you going to pay for these beers?”
The man answers, “Now the problems start!”
Sergeant: “Private, I think the enemy soldiers are hiding in the woods. I want you to go in there and flush them out for us.”
Private: “Yes, sir! But if you see a bunch of guys running out the woods, don’t shoot the one in front!”
A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
“Darling, how I’ve missed you!”
The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, “Whoa there woman, the contract was until death!”
A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. “How do they feel?” asks the sales clerk.
“Well they feel a bit tight,” replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man’s feet. “Try pulling the tongue out,” the clerk says.
“Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.”
A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty.
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age.”
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
“Well,” he replied, “I said I was 87!”
Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter.
First woman: “My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.”
Second woman: “I know.”
First one: “How?”
Second one: “My dog told me.”
The real meaning of hotel slogans…
– Old world charm: No bath
– Options galore: Nothing is included in the itinerary
– No extra fees: No extras
– Nominal fee: Outrageous charge
– Standard: Sub-standard
– Deluxe: Standard
– Superior: One free shower cap
– Cozy: Small
– All the amenities: Two free shower caps
– Plush: Top and bottom sheets
I was playing badminton. So I took some classes and they are paying off.
Now, I play goodminton.
Excuse me,” a young fellow said to an older man, “I’ve just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers?”
“Well,” replied the older man, “I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet.”
A husband comes in from the garage. His wife asks, “What’s wrong?”
He replies, “I lost something. I thought I had put it somewhere safe in the garage.”
“How many safe places are there in the garage?” she asks.
“Clearly one more than I can remember.”
From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands.
“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.
“I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that.”
– A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
– Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.