A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, “Talking Dog for Sale.”
Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
Why didn’t the frog sit on the toadstool?
Because there wasn’t mushroom.
“If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?”
“You don’t know your arithmetic.”
“You don’t know my father!”
A man goes into a dentist’s office.
Man: “Excuse me, can you help me? I think I’m a moth.”
Dentist: “You don’t need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist.”
Man: “Yes, I know.”
Dentist: “So, why did you come in here?”
Man: “The light was on.”
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it until the bug squirted out into his bucket.
It went in one ear and out the udder.
The golfer sliced a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset, and sought out the farmer.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “my terrible tee-shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?”
“I don’t know about that,” replied the farmer, mulling it over. “How many eggs a day do you lay?”
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.
Teacher: “When I was of your age, I learned very quickly and was not as slow as you are.”
Student: “Wow, you must have had a good teacher then, didn’t you?”
I saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today and thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
A balding man went into a barber’s shop and asked how much it would be for a haircut.
“Twenty dollars,” said the barber.
“Twenty dollars, that’s crazy!” exclaimed the man. “I’ve hardly got any hair. How can it be that expensive?”
The barber explained, “It’s $5 for the actual cut and $15 for the search fee.”
“What kind of pie do you call this?” one student indignantly asked the server in the school caf.
“What’s it taste like?” asked the cook.
“Then it’s apple pie. The plum pie tastes like soap.”
More silly stuff to ponder…
• Did Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have an “S” in it?
• What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
• What’s another word for synonym?
• Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
• When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
• Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
• Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
• Why do they report power outages on TV?
• What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?