My brain travels at the speed of light

The zoo keeper found a new employee standing uneasy next to the lion’s cage.
Zoo keeper: “Didn’t I tell you that when the lion is wagging his tail, he was friendly?”
Employee: “He was wagging his tail and roaring at the same time.”
Zoo keeper: “So, what’s that got to do with it?”
Employee: “Well, I don’t know which end to trust.”
A woman was shopping for something to wear to her 50th high school reunion when a group of teenage girls came into the same shop.
“Gross,” complained one girl, “this dress makes me look 40 years old!”
“May I have it?” said the lady. “That’s what I’m looking for!”
Teacher: “Why are you late this morning?”
Student: “Its my alarm clock. Everyone got up except me!”
Teacher: How did the alarm clock make you the only one not to get up?”
Student: “There are eight of us in the my family and the alarm clock was set for seven.”
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
A lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens. He declares that he’s been saved by divine intervention, so he’s let go.
The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn’t release.He claims he can’t be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine. He looks up at the release mechanism and says, “Wait a minute, I see your problem.”
An actor had been out of work for years because he always forgot his lines. One day he got a phone call from a director who wanted him for an important part in a play. All the actor had to say was, “Hark! I hear the cannon roar!”
Opening night arrived, and while he waited in the wings, the actor muttered to himself, “Hark! I hear the cannon roar!
As the actor made his appearance onstage, he heard a loud Boooom! He turned around and said, “What the heck was that?”
A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk”
He replied, “They had avocados.”
“There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”
“Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous ”
“I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”
“You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?
“In the pool”.
25 percent of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That’s scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.
A wife called up her mom and said, “He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you.”
Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.
From Genesis: “And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth.”
Then he made the earth round and He laughed and laughed and laughed!
Job Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “I would say my biggest weakness is listening.”
My brain travels at the speed of light. One second it’s here and the next it’s 186,000 miles away.
• A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.
• A realist sees a freight train. The train conductor sees three idiots standing on the track.
Customer in a waterfront restaurant: “Waiter, these are very small oysters!”
Waiter: “Yes sir, they are very small.”
Customer: “Also, they do not appear to be very fresh!”
Waiter with a resourceful response: “Then it’s lucky they’re small, ain’t it sir?”

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