My doctor has advised me to stop drinking
Doctor: “It’s a good thing you came to me when you did.”
Patient: “Why, Doc, are you broke?”
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My doctor has advised me to stop drinking.
It’s going to be a massive change for me.
I’ve been with that doctor for 15 years.
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“I saw the doctor you told us to see.”
“Did you tell him I sent you?”
“Yes, I did.”
“What did he say?”
“Pay in advance.”
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Patient: Doctor, I have a tendency to gain weight in certain places. What would you recommend?
Doctor: Stay out of those places!
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Politician (to his lawyer): I’ll admit it was a miracle you were able to clear my name. However, I don’t understand why you charged me three times the hours of actual work?
Lawyer: It has to do with the law.
Politician: Do you mean to tell me the law told you to triple bill me?
Lawyer: No, but for some odd reason the law doesn’t allow me to write the word “bribe” on a billing statement.
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Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it.
Patient: What’s the Cure?
Doctor: It’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused.
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I have a chicken proof lawn. It’s impeckable!
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A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in the Hawaiian Islands and sent an e-mail to his employer equesting instructions.
The reply came back shortly: “Begin vacation as of yesterday.”
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A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
The barman refuses to serve him.
“Why not?” asks the golf club.
“You’ll be driving later.”
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Literature teacher: “Have you ever read something that made you cry?”
Student: “Yeah, my last report card.”
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I was at an ATM machine yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance so I pushed her over.
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A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
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The man who had fallen into an upholstery machine is now said to be fully recovered.
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Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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I tried starting up a chicken dating service but it failed. It was a struggle to make hens meet.
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My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch.
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I built a model of Mount Everest.
My son asked, “Is it to scale?”
I replied, “No. It’s to look at.”
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I went skydiving today for the first time. This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane.
As we plummeted he said, “So how long have you been an instructor?”
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I sat in my hair stylist’s chair and said, “Make me look sexy!”
She then got drunk.
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Beggar: Would you give me fifty cents for a sandwich?
Me: I don’t know, let’s see the sandwich.
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What did the cashew say to the peanuts at church?
“Can I get an Al-mond!”
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I said I want a second opinion.
He said OK , your ugly too.
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I backed a horse at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
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A truck loaded with Vick’s VapoRub overturned.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.
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A man’s wife passed away while they were on vacation in Jerusalem. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150, or we can have her shipped back home for $5000.”
The husband told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.
The undertaker asked him, “Why would you spend $5000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?”
The husband replied, “Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!”
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The Zen of Sarcasm…
- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
- It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
- Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.