I’m trying to learn the alphabet but I can’t get past X.
I don’t know why.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We opened for The Doors.
Teacher: Clyde, your composition about “My dog” is exactly like your brothers. Did you copy this?
Clyde: No sir. It’s the same dog.
Donna: “I can tell if someone is lying just by looking at him.”
Donna: “Yep. I can tell if he is standing too.”
My wife thought she heard a noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”
“What’s the matter?” I asked.
“There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”
“That’ll teach them!” I replied.
They say you shouldn’t go grocery shopping when you’re hungry…
But I ran out of food a few days ago, and it’s just getting worse!
Bill went to the chiropractor thinking that the chiropractor would not be able to treat his chronic back pain.
After a few minutes, his back felt like new. The doctor asked, “How do you feel about chiropractors now,”
Bill replied, “I stand corrected!”
Did you know that 97% of the world is dumb?
Luckily I’m in the other 5%!
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
“I’m diabetic and I’m afraid I’ve had too much sugar today,” the caller said.
“Are you light-headed?” my colleague asked.
“No,” the caller answered, “I’m a brunette.”
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion…
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence!
I was struggling to get my wife’s attention. So, I simply sat down and looked comfortable.
That did the trick.
Where do you take some one who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident?
To the I-C-U!
My boss texted me, “Send me one of your funny jokes, Pete.”
I replied, “I’m working at the moment, Sir, I will send you one later.”
He replied, “That was fantastic, send me another one.”
There is a guy stealing iPhones around town. At some point he’s going to face time!
The other day I got carded at the liquor store. While I was taking out my ID, my old Blockbuster card fell out.
The clerk shook his head and said, “Never mind,” and rang me up.
Two friends met on the street after not having seen each other for some time, One of them was on crutches.
“Hello!” said the other man. “Why are you on crutches?”
“Car accident,” said the man on crutches.
“When did that happen?”
“Oh, about six weeks ago.”
“And you still have to be on crutches?”
“Well, my doctor says I could get along without them. My lawyer says I can’t.”
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
“Ever have an accident?”
“Nope, nary a one.”
“Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn’t you consider that an accident?”
“Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.”
Three NFL fans of a losing team were drowning their sorrows at a sports bar after the team lost yet again. The first fan said, “I blame the coach. If he developed better plays, we’d be a great team.”
The second fan nodded and replied, “I blame the players. They just don’t try hard enough.”
The third fan said, “I blame my parents. If I’d been born in New England, I’d be supporting a better team.”